Chemistry's Guide To Finals

Let’s get real here: You’re about to fail organic chemistry.

Last semester, you mastered the whole “backside attack” thing, but this semester you still can’t tell the difference between a Grignard and Gruyere (the way to tell is by tasting them). You thought you had finally figured out how to read a COSY spectrum, but then you got distracted thinking about how you’d like to get cozy with someone tonight. Yes, your once-shining prospects for medical school are slipping through your fingers like sand on a beach. Through thick and thin, one friend has stuck with you, at least until the end of the night. Your old friend vodka has been a (metaphorical) shoulder to cry on, a tonic to wash all your worry away. But now, post-Little 5, you’re all out and your older friends are all “busy studying.” How can you get through finals week? Not to worry, I’ve got just the solution for you. Surely you’ve got some hand sanitizer lying around?

We’ll turn it into a “chemistry cocktail,” thus proving you did learn something useful in chemistry lab class.


Ingredients:

4 ounces hand sanitizer

1 pinch of salt

Filter paper

1 piece burnt tire tread


Procedure: Add salt to hand sanitizer and stir. The salt disrupts the binder so you can extract the ethanol for your consumption. Separate from the solid by gravity filtration and store the liquid. If you’re “extra careful,” distill this liquid to get the ethanol. (The boiling point of ethanol is 78° C.) Add one part burnt tire tread and maraschino cherry juice to taste. Serve in a margarita glass with Virgina Slims-flavored cupcake. Bon Appetit!

Note: May cause blindness, liver failure and death. The author and the IDS do not ever recommend drinking alcohol made from hand sanitizer.

If you ever get to this point, please talk to a professional.