Will Eat for Work

Those who know me well also know that one of my top-five favorite condiments is peanut butter. It should come as no surprise, then, that I’m using these carefully-constructed paragraphs to celebrate National Peanut Butter Lovers’ Day, which falls on March 1.

I wish Planters’ Mr. Peanut were my grandfather. We’d poke fun at walnuts and hazelnuts, and I’d ask him about his monocle.

When I was a kid, though, Peter Pan was my number-one choice of peanut butter, followed closely by Jif. Peanut butter and jelly on white bread was my go-to lunch. If hot dogs weren’t available, I’d likely have a sandwich for dinner, too.

As a picky eater, I was instantly satisfied by the sweet and salty spread. It paired with literally every after-school snack. It also tasted fantastic straight off the spoon while I giggled along with PB&J Otter.

Since then, I’ve probably made one too many odd comments about my attitude toward peanut butter. Hell, I’ve even given my friends strict instructions on how to make the quintessential PB&J down to the heated crunchy versus creamy debate (creamy wins, hands down).

I don’t understand people who don’t absolutely swoon at the thought of it. I don’t think I could spend much time around someone with a peanut allergy.

I guess you could say peanut butter is my deal breaker.

So today, I plan to use it at every meal. It’s pretty easy, when you think about it. PB goes with just about any breakfast food you can imagine, whether waffles, pancakes, Pop-Tarts, plain ol’ toast, bagels, donuts, oatmeal or Rice Krispies.

For lunch, you really must take caution. Defaulting to a PB&J is far too easy. I’d much rather layer peanut butter, almond butter and apple slices. Maybe add a drizzle of honey, or an overflowing spoonful of Nutella.

I will never, ever make that creepy peanut butter and butter on white bread concoction everyone was so enamored with in grade school. And I’ll be sure to avoid Alfalfa’s mistake in “The Little Rascals”: trusting others to uphold PB’s saintly reputation.

Dinner forms the greatest prospects. Asian cuisine is big on using just the nuts or the spread, especially for dumplings or grilled chicken strips smothered with Thai peanut sauce. Some add it to soups, chilis or salads. I’ve even seen offbeat ravioli recipes.

But I think my favorite combination is a naughty take on the PB&J that celebrates one of the greatest peanut butter lovers of our time. It’s called the Elvis, and it consists of thick-sliced, lightly buttered country bread grilled to a golden brown with entirely too much peanut butter, one sliced banana and at least four crispy bacon strips. Elvis was rumored to eat this just about every day with no less than a pound of bacon on an entire loaf of crusty Italian bread.

If this is true, it’s no wonder he ended up the way he did.

But if I had to weigh the price of my peanut butter obsession against my health and sanity, I’d whole-heartedly choose the gluttonous path out of this world.

Keep a few silver spoons and pristine jars of PB alongside my deathbed. It’s got me all shook up.