Oscar fashions underwhelming

This was not the worst year for Oscar fashion. It was also not the best.

Frankly, it’s disappointing. The red carpet was full of both newcomers and fashion veterans who could have used the venue as the ultimate showcase for the artistry that is currently happening in the couture world.

Instead, they all chose to wear sequined, Barbie-esque mermaidy frocks and too much makeup for their own good.

The predominant look was a mermaid-cut dress rendered in various shades of white, nude, gray and black. Someone forgot to tell the nominees that neutrals come off as matronly, especially when paired with sequins.

Frankly, I don’t understand why any woman with access to priceless jewels would wear sequins. Everyone knows the difference between your sparkly dress and the Neil Lanes in your ears.

Why distract from the millions of dollars you’re wearing with spangled details coveted by very small children and backup dancers?

The major trends at this year’s Academy Awards were topknots, tight dresses and a desperate effort to capture the oft-imitated but rarely achieved “old Hollywood” look. Even Rooney Mara, edgy and strange as ever in her upside-down bra-cup dress, sported Bettie Page makeup and some very retro bangs.

Viola Davis and Cameron Diaz both looked positively stuffed into their outfits. Both are small women; one wonders why they couldn’t just get the next size up. In strapless mermaid gowns with frilly bottoms, both looked a little like sea anemones.

The ill fit of Cameron Diaz’s dress in combination with the toilet paper ruffles (at least that’s what they looked like) only made a beautiful actress look cheap and overdone.

Viola Davis, with her seaweed-esque details and crystallized boobs, looked a bit like she was in Little Mermaid couture, a la “Ariel goes to Los Angeles.”

Trying to list all of the sequined offenders is futile. Milla Jovavich, Ellie Kemper and Rose Byrne all sported completely blinged out frocks.

All three dresses were spectacularly cut and would have been much more chic without the pounds of sparkle.

I cannot, however, critique Jane Seymour’s sparkly red Jessica Rabbit number. If you’re that glamorous at 60, flaunt it while you can.

Sleeves also seemed to be having a moment. Berenice Bejo and Shailene Woodley both had covered arms, with Woodley in a stunning and refreshingly modern white gown, in contrast to the canvas of sparkly cream worn by the likes of J. Lo and Octavia Spencer.

Michelle Williams and Tina Fey will top the best-dressed lists this year.

Both wore strapless peplums, with Fey in a beautifully tailored black gown and Williams in the best look of the night (and, in cherry red!).

Williams’ minimally done hair and makeup complimented the youthfulness of her dress and the simplicity of her diamond collar.

Jessica Chastain’s dress also wowed with its elaborate gold embroidery on black fabric, contrasting nicely with her red hair. I hope heavy embroidery will be the much prettier successor to the sequin craze.

Penelope Cruz had a Grace Kelly homage in a slate blue ballgown and looked both lovely and age-appropriate. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed somewhat more forward-thinking, sporting a white, padded cape worn with a futuristic gown.

It was a far better take on modern couture than Stacy Keibler’s lame vagina-flower number.

Angelina Jolie closed out the carpet with her black velvet, slitted-to-there gown that called to mind her Billy Bob Thornton days. It made her look a little like a low-budget bride of Dracula.

Although she routinely chooses boring ensembles, it was the Academy Awards; she can wear something nice for once. Women of Hollywood, we have a certain standard when it comes to Oscar fashion, but you did not meet it this year.

Your lack of spectacular failures or successes made this season’s Academy Awards as unmemorable as could be. Wow us next time. As a celebrity, it’s your job.

­— kelfritz@indiana.edu