Dear Ron Paul

The following column is written satirically.

First, Mr. Ron Paul, I’d like to tell you that it has been an honor to intern among your speech writers. While I instinctively knew that writing for a college newspaper could only lead to wealth, women and power, I never dreamed that it would happen so soon.

I realize that in my official capacity as “really-extra-junior intern” my duties are primarily to fetch coffee and to accept special, one on one, mentoring from your senior writer. I’ve actually wanted to ask you about that.

Anyway, I’ve been reading the rough draft of your State of the Union, which one of your aides dropped while I was polishing his shoes, and frankly, I’m a little concerned. For starters, it seems a little premature. More importantly, there seem to be some glaring problems. Having won exactly as many primaries as you, I’ve taken the liberty of attaching some comments for you to consider.

On the second page, I notice you accuse Callista Gingrich of being a hyper-advanced android sent from the future to kill humanity. I don’t think you can say that. I’ve spoken with your fact checker, and he told me it is, and I quote, “common knowledge.” Maybe rethink this? I’m pretty sure most people instinctively want to hurl Callista Gingrich into a pit of molten steel. All I’m saying is she probably isn’t, as you claim, the largest threat to homeland security.

Also, it looks like someone is playing some sort of joke on you. Look at the fifth page, where you start to detail your policy objectives for the next four years. Someone has written an entire proposal outlawing black people.

I bet Steve wrote that. I don’t want to be a narc, but Steve has a really weird sense of humor. Also, I figure I’d better mention this because it’s come up a few times already, but Canada does not already have a similar policy. It just sort of worked out like that. Why don’t I just go talk to him about it for you? Just relax, and maybe erase the marijuana leaves you penciled in the margins. The last thing we need is for the press to find that.

Unless, that is meant to be a policy. I get that no other candidate is polling so successfully among the stoner and white supremacist demographics. I realize that nobody really called you on publishing a racist newsletter for years. Still, that does not mean you can ask Congress to outlaw an entire minority population from the country. And, no, calling them African-Americans doesn’t make it better.

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu