See you suckers never

I’ve been doing this for a long time, and frankly, I’ve run out of things to complain about. Also, I do not get paid enough to support my many unusual and self-destructive habits, e.g. Rally’s and cheap malt liquor.

I’ve been a professional complainer for quite some time now — going on three years of providing the public with regular insights into what bakes my scrod or why I’m the greatest human being to ever exist.

When I first applied, I told the editors I wanted to be the IDS’s Bill O’Reilly, and I believe I have accomplished that goal. For evidence, I would present a list of my greatest adversaries: Coal Free IU, The Tar Sands Action, soccer fans, out-of-towners and more broadly anyone who has ever read my work.

At one point, I’m sure I broke the O’Reilly threshold and touched the sky of Glenn Beck status; unfortunately, I could not sustain his level of brilliant ignorance. On my way down, I feel as though I’ve become too agreeable and possibly even ironically entertaining.

So, as to not become a mockery for the liberal media, I am resigning from my post as the IDS’s most successful hate-monger.  But before I leave, I’d like to reflect on my accomplishments.

Before I ever graced the IDS with a photo illustration, all I had was a mug shot and a byline to my name. Back in spring 2010 I was just your average Joe, complaining about waiting on the bus and people who lack acceptable amounts of facial hair.

It was an uphill battle, but I punch-danced my way to the top. I started editing the opinion section in May 2011, and in my tenure, I have created the most conservative staff in recent memory by hiring one Republican and two Libertarians.

Though one of them resigned earlier this semester, we still enjoy the reputation of being a bunch of bank-loving-99-percent-bashing-environment-hating-good-for-nothings, and we at the opinion section wear this rather long and unwieldy title with pride.

As an editor who is not a journalism major or ever taken a single class on the subject, I would like to remind everyone I have no clue what the term “journalistic integrity” means or how to string together sentences longer than 45 words.

My studies in policy analysis and economics do not prepare me to be a good writer. I am only taught how to get a well-paying job where I’m ignored by politicians when I tell them to stop spending money.

Throughout the years, I’ve been told on a regular basis that my writing sucks by people who don’t know how to use there, their and they’re properly. Since I started writing, I always told myself I wouldn’t reply to the commenters.

Since this is the last time I’ll be writing for the opinion page, I am willing to break this rule just this once by quoting my fellow gentlemen in the rap industry: to hell with you, naysayers.

For the handful of people who actually enjoy my work: my mom, your mom and the 95,000 people who read my article “Weed: not even once,” don’t worry. I’ll still be around.  I’ll be there any time someone else is wrong and I am right — forever.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu