So, you’re in a political sex scandal...

You would think that after Bill Clinton uttered his famous words (“I did not have sexual relations ...”) and stained his public image forever, we would have some sort of handbook by now about handling sexual affairs in politics.

Think of all the careers that could have been saved if Clinton had published a pamphlet; Schwarzenegger, Weiner and more could have all been saved, and Cain could be studying up at this very moment. Sadly, no such thing exists.

So, today I offer up the one commandment of political sex scandals:

If thou finds thyself in an incredulous situation involving adultery or any other sort of sexual misconduct (be it sext, in person or any other form), thou shalt immediately position thyself at either extreme of the guilt spectrum according to the truth.

Whether you actually did BBM that nasty phrase to her or not, the trick lies in the response time. The faster the response, the less time you are a feeding frenzy for the media and the faster you can get back to actual politics. The period without response not only leaves you vulnerable to the media, but it also leaves you open to other accusations and issues.

To analyze an almost constantly breaking example, Herman Cain did not go far enough or fast enough in his responses. What did he do? Gave the American media a field day. Political commentators, from Wolf Blitzer to the women of “The View”, have all put in their two cents and continue to donate more to the Cain cause.

On top of all the trouble this creates, Cain now has four women who said he harassed them. Mob mentality has taken over and Cain now has a woman he “doesn’t remember.” Apparently, if you leave yourself vulnerable too long, anyone can claim you touched them.

As for the guilt spectrum, I say you must fully commit to the truth and stick with that positioning. If you are truly innocent, take a lie detector test. The American public is cynical, doubtful and distrustful — sometimes what pleases them best is cold, hard proof.

In a press conference on Tuesday, Cain said he would consult a lie detector if need be, “But I’m not going to do that unless I have a good reason to do that.” I say the first accusation is good enough reason. If you have absolutely no guilt, prove it and move on.

If you did father an illegitimate child with a housekeeper, then you should also tell the truth. Buy the cover of Newsweek and make the headline: “Yes, we had sex. Why? I lost control. I’m sorry — it was a mistake.”

By telling the truth at least you show you have the gall to face the facts. Publicizing the awful truth yourself is better than tabloids doing it for you as you lie behind pearly whites. Everyone makes mistakes. There are plenty of lower folk who partake in affairs everyday.

Personally, I would be more willing to accept a politician’s indiscretions and move on with them if they admit to their human self and are truthful. There is a virtue in coming clean.

The only one who truly knows at this moment if Cain is guilty or not is the godfather of pizza himself; however, whether he is telling the truth or not, Cain must produce proof other than his vehement language and get back to campaigning.

He should be using this time to talk about why he should be president, not why he shouldn’t be trusted around a gaggle of waitresses.

Future politicians, keep this commandment in mind. Even if the allegations are true, you can do damage control and save your career from being remembered as one stain on a dress.

­—  sjostrow@indiana.edu