An ultimate holiday gift guide

The season of gluttony has passed, and the season of giving is upon us.

Thanksgiving came and went, and slowly, the mass of turkey I ate was digested. Black Friday/Cyber Monday is over, and eventually, I got over all the shopping I did (and money I spent).

Now, it’s that wonderful time of year when we can focus on giving to others to show our true gratitude. However, every year during this time, I watch as people around me are forgotten about. I myself forgot to buy my parents a present this past year.

So this year, I decided enough was enough; it’s time to speak out.

Every year, people’s feelings are hurt as their friends and family members choose not to give them presents. Below, I’ve compiled a gift guide for people who never are touched by the Christmas spirit. I beseech you, dear reader, to find a place in your heart to give to these poor people.

Not only will you be helping the local economy, but you’ll be making yourself a better person. Please, together let’s ring in the season of giving.

1. Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card, Rating: 3.5 Stars

This vintage Chance card only looks like it was taken from your father’s Monopoly set. In fact, this small slip of paper is accepted as a valid “oops” by governments from Equatorial Guinea to East Timor. This gift is perfect for your friend about to go study abroad, who undoubtedly will do something dumb. Who among us hasn’t felt the heat of the Middle East coursing through their veins and gotten the urge to go join a potentially violent protest? Let’s offer IU student Luke Gates a warm welcome home with this gift card. An appointment with AA (Activists Anonymous) would also be appropriate.
Note: Card not valid if stolen.

2. Army Depot Pepper Spray, Rating: 4.5 Stars

This military-grade pepper spray release canister is perfect for your local campus administrator looking to water her grassroots. The patented continuous spray technology has undergone rigorous testing and is proven to help foster true dialogue and real democracy. But that’s not all this gadget can do. This spray doubles as a handy Black Friday shopping aid with the quick press of a button. And, as a Fox News-endorsed “food product,” the extracted liquid is an excellent condiment for late-night Jello shots or for use as a chaser. Stay thirsty, my friends.
Note: The pepper spray manufacturer is not liable for injury.

3. Live Teletubby Animatron, Rating: 3 Stars

Daniel Bostic, age 25 of Bloomington, was recently sentenced to 315 years for creating child pornography with toddlers. As one of the most sympathized figures in our prison system, we’re offering a special deal on gifts: 25% off on live Teletubbies. To this incredible offer, we’re adding a 1000-year warranty on the Teletubbies to keep them running, chasing, and shouting “Eh-oh” for the rest of time. With four varieties to choose from (Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po), you can’t go wrong. And best of all, the Teletubbies are programmed to say “Naughty Noo-Noo” when touched.


4. Magic Number 3 Pencil, Rating: 4 Stars

After IU student Adam Justin was charged with taking the SAT for other students and surrendered to police during break, we can understand why you’d be depressed about standardized testing. Boy, do we have the solution for you. Using the novel InThink technology derived from brain studies of mice, our magic Number 3 pencil, if used correctly, is guaranteed to give you a perfect score or your money back. On test day, simply place the pencil in your hand and on the answer sheet and watch as it fills in all the correct answers for you. As an added bonus, when you press the eraser, the pencil will explain why standardized testing is inherently flawed and was a terrible replacement for the old system.
Note: Terms and conditions apply. This might require serious studying.

5. All-Expenses-Paid Trip to Siberia, Rating: 5 Stars

Sponsored by our local chapter of the AFL-CIO union, this $10,000 vacation to Russia can be yours for only $50, perfect for a state legislator. As we all know, our state legislature just works so darn hard trying to bring jobs for this state. Why don’t you give the gift of a trip to beautiful Siberia to your burnt-out state legislator this Christmas? While in Siberia, they will have the opportunity to visit a Soviet-era Gulag camp and live on its premises. But not to worry, the camp has modern medical care, so any legislators foaming at the mouth will be well taken care of. Better yet, while in the forced labor camp, they will have the right to work.
Note: This vacation might be subject to lobbying regulations.

­— sidfletc@indiana.edu