How to avoid parties: a step by step process

I know what you’re thinking: Parties are hard.

All of that drinking and socializing grows into a tiresome routine when you’re attending a party-centric Big Ten university.

As we reach the next season of this school year, get-togethers are such a chore. Why go dance in a dark basement with bad music and people you don’t know when you can enjoy your own company, dance to Beyoncé and eat peanut butter sandwiches in your
own privacy?

Such a paradise is just a sample of the pleasures you can enjoy in your own time.

The night-in is losing its art, and I’m here to bring it back.

The following are a few approaches to successfully avoiding these pesky things called parties and all their annoyances.

First play: Pretend to be sick. Meeting new people is a tedious, silly and time-consuming concept. If you don’t feel like playing the acquaintance game, the best way to avoid groups is to say you’ve come down with something.

The raspy voice and coughing phone conversation always adds a nice touch, but the most efficient way to feign your illness is to tell someone you have diarrhea.
No one questions the runs. Pink eye is a more daring fib but efficient nonetheless.

Second play: The nap. How can you answer text messages when you’re asleep? You can’t! Plan your naps between the hours of 8 and 10 p.m. so that when your onslaught of invitational text messages comes forth, you are far from conscious. 

When you’re awake, text when it’s too late and say, “Aw, man, I slept too long” or, “I was feeling too tired anyway.” They’ll understand.

Third play: Put something in the oven. This is a classic. Right around party-departure time, find a recipe that takes two to three hours to prepare. From here you have two options. You can actually make it or just say you’re making it.

It’s much too dangerous to leave the house with the oven on, and by the time you clean up this mess, it’ll just be too late. Promise them that you’ll save them some butternut squash casserole for tomorrow.

Fourth play: Just be unpleasant. This one’s simple; no one likes a party pooper, so be one. If you’re finding yourself getting invited to too many parties because you are overwhelmingly popular, the best way to avoid them is to be the one nobody wants there.

Whine a lot. Sit in the corner and pout. Your mood swings and Negative Nancy approach are sure to make you the last name on the guest list.

Fifth play: Don’t go. Simple, strong and secure, the most forward approach will be staying right where you are.

You don’t owe anyone any excuses because you’re your own boss, stud. No one can
make you do anything when there are graphic novels and Halloween Oreos to attend to in the comfort of your own room.

Here’s to you and owning your own evenings.

­— ftirado@indiana.edu