WK 101: Intro to walking

Consider this an open letter to President Michael McRobbie, the registrar or whoever creates and implements classes.

We’re missing an extremely necessary class on campus. In fact, it should be mandatory. Here’s my pitch, take it or leave it.

Every freshman at IU should take WK101 Intro to Walking: How to Navigate College Campuses.

It may sound like an easy class; heck, you might even consider it a blow-off. But consider this statistic that I just made up: 100 percent of students are not on the same page while commuting to class.

This would be like simply creating an official shotgun rulebook. Things need to be sorted out.

The first part of the class would be devoted solely to walking
etiquette, mainly pacing.

Pacing in the winter can be a huge issue for some. For example, I have a hard time feeling my toes in the middle of December. And I like to feel my toes.

So, instead of watching you decide which John Mayer or Jack Johnson song fits your oh-so-giddy mood, I’d appreciate you either picking up the speed or getting lost.

The introductory class will also fix other avoidable situations, especially in rainy weather.

For example, I don’t like it when my socks get wet. Umbrellas aren’t puddle proof, and rain boots aren’t an option because I’m a man. Once again, fix the pace. Speed up or get lost.

The second, and arguably the most important, part of the class would teach students how to avoid and deal with awkward situations.
Passing may be attempted if and only if you have a clear path. Don’t create paths. That’s like swimming upstream. It also just leads to the awkward dance.

If you do indeed get caught in the awkward dance (when strangers try to predict which way the other person will go, thus leaving them in a black hole of bad moves), make one strong move to the left or right and stay strong with your decision. Don’t budge. The other person will read your determination and concede to other side.

Or let’s say you see someone you recognize on campus. And I’m not talking about a peer. I’m saying, like, some girl you hooked up with freshman year who may or may not have been drunk at the time. Or maybe it’s a professor for one of your 100-level classes.

I have bad news for you. Chances are, if you see them, they probably see you, too. And chances are, if you’re avoiding them, they’re avoiding you.

Solution? Say hi. Introduce yourself.

That’s it. It’s not that long, not that painful. Plus, you’re pretty much guaranteed to see them around campus. Consider it like investment. Trade one really uncomfortable conversation for a boatload of non-awkward run-ins.

Okay. Let’s say you really don’t want to talk to the person. The first thing to do here is avoid eye contact at all costs.

Or, if you have time, pretend to pick up your phone and take a scenic path.

You can even go the old-fashioned route and tie your shoes, but that creates a traffic jam for everyone else.

The third and final portion of this class will cover obnoxiousness.

People with bikes just don’t get it. First they want to share the road with my car.
News flash: My Toyota FJ Cruiser would eat your face.

News flash number two: Riding a bike on a sidewalk is really inconvenient for everyone and comes off as rude.

If you have a bike, then bike on the grass. I don’t care if it’s harder. Build up your calf muscles, bro. That’s why you bought that sweet Schwinn, right?

The same lack of consideration exists in groups. I know you and your besties want to talk on the way to class. But that realistically only works if there are two or three of you, and three is being
generous.

People walking in the opposite direction don’t want to go out of their way because part of your crew won’t take the backseat.

Intro to Walking: How to Navigate College Campuses is far from finalized, but suggestions may be forwarded to myself, the registrar and President McRobbie’s house. I believe we can make this happen.

­— awcohn@indiana.edu