Senioritis

Two days ago, I was pretending to study at my house when I was hit by a scary thought: “I’m graduating this year.” Like, for good. There’s no more school after this point. I’ll have my piece of paper that says I can learn good and that’s it. I’m out of here. Crap, but what else does that even mean?
Here is a small list of the things that came to my mind:
First, my binge drinking on the weekends will no longer be laughed off as boys will be boys but instead as blatant alcoholism. Apparently, drinking two 40-ounce bottles of fine malt liquor in one night is considered “disgusting” and “worrying.” Once I get my diploma I’ll have to start apologizing for my actions like “My Name is Earl.”
On the same vein, smoking copious amounts of the dankest rapper weed on the reg with my roommate’s dog will only be acceptable if his name is Wilfred.
Secondly, I will be unemployed, which is odd because I haven’t been unemployed since I was a junior in high school. Unlike you lazy jerk-offs, I’ve had a part-time job throughout my entire college career.
This will be a difficult transition to make — suddenly spending my time sitting around doing nothing but drinking and rewatching “LOST” until I can figure out what’s going on. But if I must, I will put all the effort I put into my 3.8 cumulative GPA into this task. 
Third, I won’t in good conscience be able to call myself a liberal or vote for the Democratic Party anymore. I won’t be in college, I’ll have to start paying taxes and I won’t be shopping at Wal-Mart for the irony. I’ll be shopping there because I’m destitute.
This is really the only reason why I’m paying attention to the Republican primaries; I’ll be a conservative shortly, and I’ll want to brush up on the reasons why President Barack Obama is destroying America. I don’t want to sound like an uninformed idiot when I’m protesting with other Tea Party members. That would be embarrassing.
Most distressingly, my mind will begin to rot. Soon, I’ll have no reason to read except for my own personal edification, which means I might never read a book again. When that cool kid once said, “If you don’t use it, you lose it,” he wasn’t referring to your dick, he meant your brain. That thing is firmly attached, no matter how hard you don’t use it. Trust me, I study economics.
My friends keep telling me, “Nick, why don’t you go to graduate school so that you can keep expanding your brain? Or maybe law school would fit you better because you’re soulless.”
Nope, can’t be bothered. I’m done.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu