Nipples and Flip-Flops and Other Foul Things

Are you a man? Are you wearing sandals or a cutoff shirt? Do you currently have a
girlfriend? Was your answer to that last question no?

There’s a correlation there.

I’m certainly not suggesting that all women are so superficial. We love great personalities and good hearts and all that cheesy romantic stuff. However, no matter how pretty you are on the inside, there are certain mistakes we’ve noticed all of you seem to continually make on the outside. As Jerry Maguire would say, “Help (us) help you.”

The most offensive things I must address are your nipples (I’m not actually sure if I’m allowed to talk about nipples in a student publication, but it must be said). All of you seem to be strangely unaware of their existence; they’re peeking out of the sides of your sleeveless, cutoff shirts, and they’re poking through your too-tight tees.

I’m sure if there was gender reversal, men would be living in a very happy world. But we’re not men. Your nipples don’t arouse us. In fact, many of them are awkwardly sized and/or look like malformed pepperoni.

If you’re trying to have a conversation with me and you’re having a man nip-slip, it’s guaranteed that your chest will be all I can focus on. It’s a grotesque spectacle I can’t seem to stop looking at. Please, please put your nipples away, for the sake of women’s eyes everywhere.

Your shoe situation is only slightly less distracting. Flip-flops are the go-to summer shoe for women everywhere (though I prefer a nice shoe that’s not made out of the same material used for playground balls). Note that I say women. Men in flip-flops are, in a word, heinous.

Like man-nipples, man-feet are foul and usually very dirty. Your toenails are always strangely crusty and your toes are oddly shaped. Women carefully groom their feet before exposing them to the world, while men just let them hang out, nail fungus or no nail fungus.

Both women and men are unappreciative of the random guy’s sandaled feet that always seem to rest on the lower basket of the desk in front of them (at which, unfortunately, I always seem to be sitting). Gross.

Men, we love you. We really do. But this is an intervention. In the same way that you’d rather not deal with anything questionable related to us (runny noses/snot, anything bathroom-related, etc.), we’d rather not deal with your nastiness.

Thankfully for you, the solution to this is simple: All you need to do is put on a tank top under your shirt and wear some close-toed shoes.

Then button up your shirt over your hairy chest, put on some deodorant to cover those pit stains, take a shower and don’t be surprised when women start to show interest in you. It’s called personal grooming, and it doesn’t make you any less manly.

You’re welcome.

­— kelfritz@indiana.edu