An open letter to Mark Cuban and Warren Buffett

Consider this an open letter to those treasonous billionaires Mark Cuban and Warren Buffett.

Hey guys, what the hell? I’ve been hearing how you guys say rich people aren’t being taxed enough. Oh, how noble and “selfless” of you two.

Marky said on his blog, “Pay your taxes. It’s the most patriotic thing you can do.” Bitch, please. The most patriotic thing you can do is light off red, white and blue mortar shells from the porch of your foreclosed home while drinking Budweiser out of a can in December.

That is a fact.

He also said, “Get so obnoxiously rich that when that tax bill comes, your first thought will be to choke on how big a check you have to write. Your second thought will be ‘what a great problem to have.’”  

Now, why would I want to choke on how big a check I’ll have to write? I don’t want to die because of taxes.

Our country was founded on the theory of trickle-down economics. Like Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann once said, “(I)f our founders thought taxation without representation was bad, what would they think of representation WITH taxation?”  

I’m sure Founding Fathers like Ronald Reagan and Benjamin Franklin would roll in their graves if they heard about this “Buffett Rule” nonsense coming from our current representatives.

Personally, I find it to be a real deal breaker. I had intentions of becoming unfathomably rich and employing a bunch of undeserving poor people, but now that I know I might get taxed at a higher rate, I’m gonna just stay here below the poverty line so I don’t have to pay taxes.

Obviously, Marky and Buffett are trolls. At $2.3 billion, Mark Cuban is worth more money than 22 third-world countries, and Buffett is even worse. He’s worth more than the GDP of 113 countries. Yeah, maybe they can afford to pay more taxes, but what about the common millionaire?

I wholeheartedly agree with my moderately-wealthy honkey in the House of Representatives John Fleming (R-LA). This millionaire tax hike will be disastrous.
Fleming’s net worth is something like $6.3 million, but after paying for those money-grubbing employees, rent that’s too damn high, equipment costs and fast food, he’s left with only a measly $400,000 to scrape a living off of.

Obviously, Barack Obama doesn’t care about rich white people — makes me sick to my well-fed stomach.

You know how hard it is to be a resident of Louisiana with $400,000? That means you actually have to live in Louisiana.

I just don’t get the thought process of raising taxes on the wealthy. Especially after all the good things they’ve done for us over the last five years.

For example, it was through their investing that we finally popped that housing bubble. By 2007, it was more like a bulbous pus-filled pimple on the economy’s face.

I know it hurt at first — 7.9 million jobs bled from the economy sounds like a lot. But now that it’s almost scarred over, I think we can agree it was for the best.

I mean for Christ’s sake, how many times does the GOP have to tell you all how trickle-down economics works before it becomes a reality?

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu