I want a normal president

Okay, I’ll admit it; I’m not a terribly bright guy. Sometimes when I don’t know what I’m doing, I just walk around and tend to get into peoples’ way. What I don’t
understand scares me.

Subjects that I’ve never been able to grasp are things like similes and vacuum cleaners. I prefer to live a simple life tranquilizing myself with reality TV and
microwave bacon.

I tend to yell at new people when I meet them, but that’s because I’m just confused, and I don’t want to be wrong.

I prefer to vote for candidates that share my general confusion with life, which is why I prefer to vote for candidates that share the same level of intelligence as me.
The way I think about it, anyone who’s smarter than me knows something I don’t know.

I can only assume they’re trying to pull a fast one on me. I don’t like that.

I want to vote for someone who had as much trouble in Shakespeare class as I did.
I don’t hate Obama because of his policy positions. I don’t like him because he’s smart.

Too smart, I’d say.

He’s in Washington scheming. I never know what he’s doing there, but no doubt it’s something unsavory and well thought-out.

Fortunately for me, conservatives have begun to respond to the fears of desperately confused Americans. They understand the world is a scary place filled with socialists and homosexuals.

I’ve never met one of them, but I hear they are everywhere and want to harm my family.

This election season has been filled with people who I can get behind, but so far my favorite has been Rick Perry.

I’ve looked into Rick Perry’s background, and I think he will be a great representative for people like me. Words are hard.

I‘m not sure what flow means or how to sound eloquent.

Thankfully, Rick understands my pain. He stumbles through his speeches with the grace of a fraternity star walking down Third Street at four in the morning.

Rick Perry is just like me. There’s a lot of things he doesn’t understand very well. From his college transcript you can see he had trouble with English, economics and U.S. history.

Good thing none of those subjects are really that important. Perry doesn’t believe in those patchwork theories of evolution and global climate change.

That’s why I don’t like Jon Huntsman. He blindly follows whatever the scientists say.
What happened to populist presidents who could level with the average American?

What we need is a president who can slam a few domestic beers and talk about the things that matter: fence building and who to be afraid of next.