Vegetarians are destroying America

This is the last straw. I will not stand for what these people are doing. They’re immoral and what they do is an act against God.

I thought turkey bacon was already a serious enough problem, but now there is facon: fake bacon.  

Facon is flooding the markets and destroying an otherwise wholesome breakfast time.

I believe in the sanctity of breakfast. For generations, Americans have been eating eggs and bacon as a part of their balanced breakfast. Real bacon ripped straight from the pig. Not that processed turkey or soy bullcrap. So many mornings I’ve woken up to its seductive scent. The sound real bacon makes as it slaps a cast iron pan gives me butterflies.

Yes, my first love was bacon, and I’d eat it every day if my cholesterol wasn’t bouncing around 270 mg/dL. My restricted relationship with bacon could inspire Shakespeare. Nonetheless, I still hold bacon and meat close to my heart.

We are looking at a slippery slope. First it was facon, next it could be soy eggs. God forbid vegetarians figure out a way to bastardize biscuits and gravy. Just talking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

We must stop them before they infiltrate our public school cafeterias and infect our children with their non-meat-eating values. Think about generation V, the next generation of kids in America that actually prefers vegetables and fruits to beef or pork. I imagine it would result in the end of the NFL and the rise of soccer because without adequate protein consumption our children would be too sickly and thin to survive a hearty tackle. Is that what you want, America? Do you really want soccer to be popular?

Shockingly, there are currently no regulations against vegetarianism. For some illogical reason, my congressmen have never taken action or replied to my numerous legislative proposals. Rep. Todd Young and Sens. Dan Coats and Richard Lugar are what I like to call Red Apple Republicans: conservatives that are elected on fiscal platforms yet don’t seem to understand the social perils of vegetarianism.

I have spent the last few months working on a piece of legislation that I believe every conservative in America should stand behind. It’s called DoMA: The Defense of Meat Act.

DoMA does not put limitations on what food you choose to consume, because that would be fascist. Essentially it will prohibit vegetarians from marrying and sharing bank accounts. I hope these economic incentives will provoke them into a more natural relationship with meat — like it should be.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu