Resisting the Icepocalypse

When was the last time you saw your lawn? Weeks? Months, maybe? Do you even remember what it was like before the ice began its occupation? The ice has held an iron grip on our sidewalks and lawns for too long.

They say war is hell. Well, hell just froze over. Screw it; I’m declaring war on snow and ice.

I’ve seen too many people fall into its slippery traps. Causalities are rising quickly. Every day dozens of people are awkwardly sliding on otherwise faint inclines. The only way to sustain balance is to take tiny bowlegged steps. The ice is turning us all into penguin-footed fools.

Retaliation is absolutely necessary at this point. We need to work together.

Listen: We must arm ourselves with salt, a stupid-massive amount of it.

Go to any supermarket and purchase the largest cans of iodized kosher sea salt that they carry, preferably Morton Sea salt, because I envision the little girl in the yellow rain jacket becoming the symbol of our resistance. Some cans should be used for home defense and others for aggressive tactical operations.

The best strategy for securing your home requires two stages of action. Begin by grabbing two cans, one in each hand. Pop the tabs like a grenade and spin. Pretend like you’re Taz and get nasty with it. Make sure every single speck of ice meets the slow and painful death of a chemical burn. Anything less will be too kind. Some of your grass might die, but this is war, and the ends will justify the means. Next surround the perimeter of your house with a line of salt. Everyone knows ice shares the same weaknesses as witches and other associates of Satan.   

Once you have constructed adequate defenses for your home you can take the action with you to campus. It’s become apparent over the past week that the University will not help us. Anyone who has walked through the arboretum will understand. Forget about your classes; leave your books at home where they are safe. Instead, stuff your backpack with cans of salt. As you walk around town channel the spirit of Johnny Appleseed by sprinkling salt everywhere you go.

If we work together the tyranny of the ice will come to a violent and slushy end. Do what whatever you can. Hair dryers, boiling water and ice picks are all acceptable weapons. Just stay aggressive, always keep an eye out for faint inclines and hold strong. Good luck out there, and if I should fall, remember me for my fiery rage.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu