Academic performance-enhancing drugs

Let me take you into the lifestyle of modern American college students.

Like most competitive youths, these students rely on the use of academic performance-enhancing drugs instead of getting adequate sleep and eating right.

When I say academic performance-enhancing drugs I am referring to substances with an energy-boosting ingredient. No longer can average students complete all of their work on their own merits.

At first, students start by drinking a bottle of soda while studying; they get a little pep in their step that keeps them on task.

Over time, students build up a tolerance for the bottle’s miniscule amount of caffeine.

Students experience diminishing marginal return on each additional soft drink.

They face a crossroad — either they start drinking multiple 32oz Polar Pops from Circle K, or they find a more robust alternative.

Coffee is the next step for most people. Good ol’ fashioned patriotic, roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-the-job-done coffee. This powerful, mind-bending substance provides students with a whole new tier of consciousness; some call it opening the third eye.

Unfortunately, students will likely become fed up with the main hassle of a coffee addiction: consistently violent diarrhea.

Students begin spending more time pissing and pooping than actually studying as the rampaging coffee beans ransack their insides like ravaging hordes of barbarians. The worst part of the experience is how fast they barge in and lay waste.

Within two hours the beans will have plundered all the nutrients in a student’s body and make a spectacularly gooey exit out of an unguarded hole in the body’s defenses — the butt.

In our modern age there must be a more illegal, less bowel-destroying way of stimulating students’ attention span.

Well, thanks to scientists in white lab coats and drug dealers in black hoodies, we now have amphetamines. These are different than methamphetamines, which are thrown together like casual pitch-ins in crumbling houses by desperate high school chemistry teachers.

These wonder drugs — Adderall, Ritalin and Vyvanse — not only keep you attentive, but they also decrease your appetite and help you fit into that pretty red dress you wore at high school graduation.

Yes, these remarkable academic performance-enhancing drugs will become your new best friend.

You’ll never want them to leave your side, ever. You’ll totally forget about your old BFF, the cousin of death.

But be weary, the repercussions of being caught abusing prescription drugs are severe. No one wants to testify before Congress like McGuire just so they can score a homer on an accounting exam.

I recommend just sticking with coffee and investing in Charmin Ultra Strong or Wet Ones.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu