It’s an ark theme park that’s soon to be flooded

With the construction of a multi-million dollar creationist theme park, including a full-scale ark, in Kentucky soon to be underway, the Editorial Board had its own tongue-in-cheek thoughts on potential thrills for the promised land.

SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT
On the Swing Low Sweet Chariot roller coaster, park-goers will trace the footsteps of Elijah and soar out of the reach of the evil Queen Jezebel and her bloodthirsty priests of that false-god Baal. The soulful sounds of a gospel choir will follow you on this whirlwind of a ride.

DANIEL AND THE LION'S DEN
Are you inspired by Daniel and his undeterred devotion to the Lord?  

Well now you and your defenseless children can experience the thrills and excitement that only a faith in Jesus can afford when you enter the Lion’s Den.

Hop on a ridiculously exposed golf cart and ride slowly and temptingly through a pit of rabid, intentionally starved lions.

Don’t worry, God won’t let you die if you love Him enough.

WORLD'S LARGEST WAVE POOL
The thrill of the world’s largest wave pool completely surrounding the newly constructed life-sized ark makes for a wholesome family affair.

Paddle wildly for your life a few cubits below those who are taking their turn to ride the ark to salvation. The only rule of the pool is that you must incessantly shout your sins in a way that would convince those onboard that you are drowning in God’s wrath.

Options include, but are not limited to: “I’m a sodomite,” “I eat shellfish,” “I’m uncircumcised,” “I believe in global warming” or even “I voted for Obama.”

GIFT SHOP
Upon admittance to the park, a survey of 136 questions will be administered to document your history and your relationship with God. At the end of your stay, Jesus and his plethora of previously admitted angels will bestow their final judgement based on your answers.

You will then take an exit through either Heaven’s Corridor of misty white clouds and harp songs, the flaming Hall of Hell with sinners such as you screaming for compassion, each leading to a gift shop where you could purchase a W.W.J.D. bracelet, among other treasures.