Forever alone during the holidays

While interning in a city, you will finally get away from those nincompoop parents that have always been holding you down. No longer do you have to clean your room or wash the dishes or be clothed as you walk around your home.

Do you feel that gentle breeze? It’s called freedom, and it will give you goose-pimples.

The thrill of liberty will coast you to about two and half months into the year. Then there will come a point when being naked all the time gets boring and the mold on your dishes will become sentient.

So you clothe yourself and clean up. You might even start to miss your “loved ones” or whatever the proper nomenclature is nowadays.

Generally this begins around Thanksgiving when you should be stuffing turkey down your gullet with people whom you think are questionable at best.

Combine this unfortunate situation with early onset Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and you might have the fixings for a drug-induced breakdown.

I’ll give you some tips about how to survive the holidays and fill that emptiness without abusing the drugs.

Just start spending money. We all know money is a logical replacement for love, joy, companionship, etc. And if you don’t believe me, a study by the National Academy of Sciences released in September finally proves money does, in fact, buy happiness.

Here are some suggestions to get you through the holiday season.

During the holiday, go to a fancy restaurant and order two turkey dinners, one plate for you and another for your imaginary friend. No need for expensive table salt, your lonesome tears will make a fine natural substitute.

In general, eat out as much as you can. The best places to go are cafeteria style establishments, that way you can sit at a table with a stranger. Play mental gymnastics in your head to imagine the reason you aren’t speaking is because that’s how your quirky family operates.

“Real good cranberry sauce, eh?” you ask the elderly man sitting next to you.

He looks up and makes a sound that’s more like a heave than a sigh but doesn’t reply. Oh, stubborn Uncle Edgar, you are so crazy.

Useless electronics have and always will be a satisfactory replacement for human interaction.

Buy a 3D-HD-Wifi-enabled-scratch ‘n’ sniff television set. With it you can watch football in three stunning dimensions and tweet about those lousy good-for-nothings that are beating your team.

Maybe your followers on Twitter will pretend to be your family.

When you get back to work, don’t let on about how horribly lonely you are.

In turn you must regale your co-workers with Uncle Edgar’s funny anecdotes about the Vietnam War and how you accidently tackled your cousin, who smells a lot like Peyton Manning, in a friendly game of touch football.

Don’t forget to smile. Then slump back to your cubicle before they ask you any detailed questions.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu