TSA security matters

Every once in a while I read the news. Normally I couldn’t care less about anything that happens to anyone that isn’t me, but The Express was running a sensational article on the new Transportation Security Administration security regulations.

Apparently the new regulations are causing a backlash from passengers claiming that it’s an invasion of privacy.

I’m not sure what the problem is, it’s just a security measure.

Maybe people are so upset because they aren’t used to it.

I deal with this on a daily basis, so I just can’t seem to understand why people are getting all hot and bothered.

It is an unwritten rule in Washington that requires at least one livid-looking security guard to sit behind a desk in the front foyer of every building.

I think there might be some sort of security guard union here.

They are all similarly dressed and seem to all share the same attitude.

I would gauge their anger between losing cell phone reception and having their car break down in rural West Virginia — not especially happy.

It’s the security guard’s job to look annoyed, because terrorists and communists are, in nature, non-confrontational.

If they think the guard is having a bad day, they won’t want to cause them any trouble.

In Washington, D.C., you have to pass through security to do anything. It’s simply a fact of life.

This place is filled with communists, terrorists, protestors and other undesirables around every corner.

They hover just out of sight like Swiper the Fox from “Dora the Explorer.” They prey on aloof security guards and doors left ajar.

Keeping a constant lookout for them is essential.

Every once in a while this burly man from Moscow tries to follow me too closely as I pass through the security barrier at work.

Usually the security guard will yell, “Russian no rushing!” and the big man will give up. That’s a key reason security guards are absolutely necessary in Washington. Without them we would all be sorely inconvenienced with spies running around.

It’s the price you pay for a confidential work environment.

There’s a strong chance that if you walk into a building in D.C. you will have to pass through some sort of security device.

Sometimes it’s an extremely sensitive metal detector that favors the anemic, and other times it’s a full body scanner that takes pictures of your laughably ugly naked body.

Yes, they save the pictures, but you don’t have to worry because they only post the attractive photos. If you hear them snickering it’s because they can see when you need to go to the bathroom.

If you set off one of these machines you get pulled aside. They’ll ask you a few personal questions before you get the how-do-you-do from the security guard’s cold hands.

Honestly, this is about as much action as I get, so I like to take it all in and embrace the situation. I hear you normally have to pay for this kind of
service.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu