Safer than we think

On Halloween, you shouldn’t put anything in your mouth until your mom and dad have examined it.

It’s just not safe.

There are all kinds of crazy people in the world — folks with evil intentions, bad motives, shifty smiles, greasy hair and dirty kitchens.

And they’re out to get you.

In fact, every Halloween, they try to poison you. But mom and dad’s intervention has helped you make it this far. Remember that Tootsie Roll with the compromised wrapper? Sudden death, for sure.

What a close call! You’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

It’s a shame we have to live this way, imaging an enemy behind every front door with the porch light on. The world used to be a friendlier place, you know.

Back in the 1950s, before the Commies tried to ruin it.

Before Nixon and the war on drugs and Waco and the liberal media. Before everyone sued everybody. You used to know your neighbors, your milkman, your bank tellers and your local sheriff.

But now, you can’t trust anyone. Or so the story goes.

The thing about stories, though, is that they’re usually fiction.

It’s time to forget what you’ve heard about arsenic and razor blades. Because the truth is that there’s never been a single, verified incident of a nameless, faceless, soulless stranger poisoning other people’s children on Halloween.

To be fair, Halloween candy has resulted in a few mysteries. Our fear of Milk Duds is not entirely unfounded.

But a look at the facts suggests that we shouldn’t worry about some ambiguous, unidentifiable threat down the street.

If anyone’s trying to kill you, it’ll probably be someone you know. Because in the few cases where Halloween candy has resulted in death, the poisoned apple hasn’t died far from the tree.

In 1974, for example, an 8-year-old boy died after ingesting Pixi Stix powder that his father had laced with cyanide. Desiring to collect on his son’s life insurance policy, Ronald O’Bryan tried to sugar coat his greed, but earned a murder conviction instead.

In another instance, a 5-year-old died after using and overdosing on his uncle’s heroin. Attempting to disguise their illegal and negligent behavior, the family sprinkled their stash into the child’s Halloween candy.

Those investigating, however, were not fooled.

So forget the mysterious enemy next door. He’s not there. And don’t worry about a murderer in your own household, unless you’ve got a giant life insurance policy or neglected piles of heroin on your coffee table. Death by candy just isn’t that realistic.

Neither are a lot of the things we fear.

A liberal agenda.

A Republican wave in Congress.

Our political candidates are not out to get us.

This Election season, let’s be careful not to exaggerate the danger of the opposition.

While they might be wrong, they probably aren’t evil. And they certainly aren’t seeking to poison our country.

This November, as many forecast doom, remember: We’re always safer than we think.


E-mail: tycherne@indiana.edu