OJ and political polarization

On Tuesday I went to Giant, the fancy D.C. elitist version of Krogers. I was there to buy my normal groceries: frozen chicken nuggets, salt and vinegar chips, hot sauce, prepackaged deli meat and orange juice.

I caught a great deal on 20 Yoplait yogurt cups for $10. You know, I gotta look out for my boyish good looks and slender thighs.

Then I totes Kobe’d some toilet paper into the cart from like ten feet away — my roommate and I high-fived in celebration, it was awesome.

And two chicks that totally wanted me kept looking at me. Overall, things were going pretty swell.

That is, until I came to the orange juice aisle. Giant was running a dope deal on Simply Orange Orange Juice, two bottles for six bucks.

But there was a problem. I counted fourteen bottles of “No-Pulp” and seventeen bottles of “Lots-of-Pulp.” There was no “Low-Pulp” or “Medium Pulp” or even “Medium-Low-Pulp.” Absolutely no middle ground was to be seen.

I know for a fact the Krogers on College Mall Road offers “Medium-Pulp” if not “Low-Pulp,” too.I thought about it for a second while I winked at those chicks. This is symbolic of the political polarization in Washington, D.C. It’s either one extreme or the other here.

You’re either a Tea-Partier or a Marxist.

Normally I approve of polarization. It holds Congress nice and stagnant, like rainwater that’s been collecting in a can of Milwaukee’s Best Ice for a few weeks. Mmm, just the way I like it.

Polarization simplifies decision making.

For example, when you’re voting for the House Representative in the 9th district this election cycle, having just two options makes the choice much easier. It’s either the old guy who approves of chunky bits in the budget that has been there for a while, or the young new guy who opposes extra chunky bits in the budget.

In politics, polarization benefits everyone, and I see no possible reason why you would ever want to compromise. We all know third parties are for stoners and environmentalists. They’ve accomplished nothing over the years except make us look like nerds by forcing us to wear a seat belt.

But when polarization starts to keep me from enjoying the appropriate level of pulp in my OJ, something must be done. Unfortunately, it was not that time yet. I had to make a decision soon.

I stood there in front of the OJ aisle for at least ten minutes with a blank stare. A bunch of nobodies came and went picking up one or the other like the decision was a no-brainer. The two chicks that were totally into me each grabbed a different one.

I weighed my options.

I could either get “No-Pulp” and feel empty on the inside or buy “Lots-of-Pulp” and have chunky bits stuck in my grill braces all day.

I heard my roommate walking up to me. I panicked. I closed my eyes and picked one.
I accidently grabbed a bottle of Simply Lemonade Lemonade. My life has been in shambles ever since.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu