Panda poop at the National Zoo

In Washington, D.C. there are plenty of monuments and museums to see.

While you’re interning it’s important to visit most of these attractions. The presidential monuments are all fantastic despite their own quirks.

The Washington monument makes you feel inferior as a man, and the Lincoln memorial makes women wish they didn’t wear heels with its endless, steep staircase.

Besides the monuments, almost all of the Smithsonian museums are entertaining, except for the Smithsonian National Zoological Park.

It’s one of the nation’s oldest zoos, founded in 1889; the National Zoo has been disappointing its patrons for more than 100 years. At first glance, the zoo will grab your attention with words such as: free, giant pandas and endangered animals.

Yes, the National Zoo is free. It is supported by your tax dollars and like any government-funded initiative it’s huge, unwieldy and utterly useless.

As you walk through the pedestrian entrance you enter the Asian part of the zoo, where they keep at most five or six animals in what feels like a four-square-mile area.

The largest part of the zoo is reserved for two giant pandas. But, the exhibit is engulfed in enough bamboo to feed every endangered panda in China.

Signs along the path tell visitors to keep a sharp eye out for Mei Xiang and Tian Tian. Excuse me, but if they are “giant” shouldn’t I be able to see them from a mile away?  

But that isn’t the problem here, the issue is that they reserve enough space for Godzilla, yet the tiny pandas are actually held in two cement gray 15x15 rooms with a few logs and a bunch of leaves in the basement.

Opposite the panda cages is an exhibit about panda sex where the children can look at sperm and vaginal fluids through microscopes.

Next to that is a piece of solidified panda poop on a wire for the children to play with. 

Not emotionally disturbed enough? Right around the corner is a wall filled with pictures of pandas in heat and if you press the white buttons you’ll hear the sounds of pandas pleasuring each other. If you got all hot and bothered on your way out, there is a misting station/broken pipe a few yards down the path where you can cool down and collect yourself.

Next on the list of attractions is the small mammal house which should actually be called the Golden Lion Tamarin House. It has what looks to be the remains of that endangered species collected in a few cages.

In all honesty, the small mammal house is probably the best part of the zoo, because it’s the least sinful exhibit.

At the end of the zoo is the American animal section where they have cows, rabbits, hogs, etc.

Essentially there are the animals we eat, all hoarded together, in a big red barn. These delicious looking hamburgers and brats-to-be are off limits so you can’t eat them there.

Fortunately, across the street is the Zoo Bar Cafe where you can.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu