Internship 101: Disregard this advice

After being rejected from all the internships you wanted and facing the mad rush of finding an agency to work at, you have about six days left before you fly to DC.

You’ve found an internship, and you’re ready to make the change on Capitol Hill that you think it so desperately needs.

You’ve got ambition and drive, which means you haven’t been to work yet.

Here are some important tips for your first day at an internship.

On your first day you will be plenty anxious. You might throw up a couple times in the lobby bathroom, like The Office version of Eminem in 8-Mile. Make sure none of it gets on the new tie you bought. Your mom would tell you to take a shot of Pepto Bismol, but I recommend chain-smoking cigarettes and a Natty before you leave. Not only will it make meeting your new boss and fellow interns amusing, but driving there will be interesting, too.

Arrive at least three or four minutes late on purpose. It lets them know you have better things to be doing than interning. You’ll be regarded as the “cool” intern from then on and probably get some dates out of it.

When you walk up to your new boss he will go for a firm handshake. Be sure to smile and look him right in the eye as you give him a sloppy dead fish grip.

While you’re being shown around the office, take note of where the break room is, you’ll be spending a lot of time in there. As you make your way through the tour, meeting all the people you will work with, be sure to act uninterested in what they do and who they are as people.

Eventually you will need to fill out some paperwork. Never sign with your real name. The purpose being that you can’t violate terms and conditions you never agreed to follow in the first place. Don’t get too fancy with the name or you might get noticed. Just switch the first letter of your first and last name.

For example, I sign all of my documents Jick Nacobs. Who is Jick Nacobs? I don’t know, but I’m sure he’s a great guy and follows all the rules.

When lunchtime rolls around, go to happy hour with your coworkers. Not 21? Go to the cafeteria and sit alone while you wait to become an adult.

The time after lunch is generally reserved for napping or Facebooking. Once you’re done poking babes and lol’ing over pictures of your bros, you should probably walk around the office to look for odd jobs. Don’t look too excited though, you might be given something to do.

The rest of the day is cake. Look busy, keep your head down and wait until quitting time. Congratulations, you’ve made it through your first eight hours on the job, only 200 more to go.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu