How to handle it: tips for parents if your student comes out to you

Think you know everything about your child? You might not. Many gay students come out to their parents during their first year of college, but it’s not something all parents are prepared to hear. Doug Bauder, coordinator of the IU Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Student Support Services, regularly speaks to IU parents and students about GLBT issues and offers this advice.

1. Realize you’re not alone. There are lots of parents who have discovered this about their children. And it’s really not about you, what you have done or not done. It just is.

2. Take time to listen closely to what your student is saying and to the feelings they are expressing.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but try to do so without being judgmental. For example: “Tell me more about how you know this. What can I do to learn more about supporting you?"

4. Remember that sexual orientation and gender identity is not a choice. It is a discovery.

5. Seek out resources. Contact the GLBT Office at IU. Become familiar with organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

6. Recognize you might not be surprised at all. On the other hand, you might go through a very real grieving process. Don’t condemn yourself for your feelings.

7. Be as supportive and non-judgmental as you possibly can. Remember what is
important is the relationship you have with your child.

8. Consider that what your son or daughter has just done is an act of trust, and ultimately, of love.

9. Realize that you haven’t “lost” your child. In fact, this experience could lead to a deeper and richer relationship.

10. You are on a new journey. You might come to recognize it as a gift.