Everything a man needs in Bloomington

In Bloomington, we have many shops catering to the feminine, such as London Dog and countless women’s clothing stores. It seems like business has been booming for women, but where can a man go to be a man?

I’ve compiled a list of the manliest stores located on the town square, ones that kick you in the shins and raise your testosterone levels upon entrance.

Let’s start with the most beard-inducing establishment: The Briar and The Burley. It sells just about everything a man needs, including tobacco and leather-bound anything. Every time I step in, my nostrils are soothed by the smell of fine cigars and new luggage.

This shop’s collection of cigars can make a grown man weep with joy, and it has the best selection of pipes and pipe tobacco in town. The greatest aspect of The Briar and The Burley is this: It’s probably the only store in town where you are allowed to smoke inside and talk with the staff. If I had enough money, I would buy one of everything in the store just to bring the smell home with me.

J.L. Waters Adventure Outfitters is next on the list because it’s the only store on the square that has all of the necessary equipment to survive a Red Dawn-style Russian invasion, minus the munitions. They sell tents, canoes, fishing gear and anything Bear Grylls would wear.

When I visit J.L. Waters, I like to pretend I’m about to go on a nationwide camping trip. I sift through their walking sticks, and when the staff comes to help, I make a beeline to their selection of urine-to-safe-drinking water conversion systems while mumbling incoherently to myself.

It’s an unwritten law that every man needs to play at least one instrument. Located on the north side of the square, Vance Music Center is the oldest and largest musical instrument store in Bloomington. Vance also has instructors for those who want to learn.

When I was a little kid, I wanted to learn how to play the banjo, but they told me I had to be at least 40 years old or something to start. So I tried to pick up a mandolin, but they swatted it out of my hand and gave me a recorder. It was all I could manage at the time.

Finally, Opie Taylor’s is one of my favorite restaurants in Bloomington. It’s got $5 burgers on Mondays, a great deal considering most of them normally cost about $7.

What makes this place so manly is the Tank Burger. It features a pound of beef nestled between two sturdy buns. On my 18th birthday, I had to prove my manhood by eating an entire Tank Burger with steak fries. I’ll admit it took me a while (and I had the meat sweats like none other), but I finished it.

Then suddenly, like some kind of heavenly reward, my waiter, a Jacobs School of Music student, belted out an operatic version of “Happy Birthday” that brought a tear to my eye. I felt energized, ready to conquer the world. I took two steps out the door and grew a full beard. I had become a man.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu