The upside to working in fast food

Many of you are very concerned about your existence. To help you decide what’s important in life, you turn to religion, snack foods or Steve Jobs.

I am not the next Messiah , but I do have one fundamental truth to bestow unto you: If you’re in college and have not yet held a job, you are not a real person. Your time on this earth has not been finalized until you have done so. Right now you are some shapeless entity stuck between worlds, walking the void.

I can understand not working if you’re a student athlete. That is a time commitment I want nothing of, and as you’re getting paid in scholarships and gifted luxury cars, that’s a job.

There might be factors hindering your employment; a disability, a crippling case of agoraphobia or a dedication to your “World of Warcraft” guild. A student doing four majors will read this and scoff, “Learning is my job, little man.” I salute you, student-who-has-no-social-life. I was once you, and I know just watching any college comedy that depicts an endless marathon of parties only deepens the wound you carry.

Even if you rock the extracurricular life, I warn you that having gone this far in your collegiate career without experiencing — to paraphrase Michael Bluth — “that sweet sting of sweat in your eyes” has cheated your development. Learning about the missing limbs of the Venus de Milo in art history will do nothing for the soul like enduring the collective maliciousness that is the service industry.

In a time when people are struggling to find jobs, I feel guilty for encouraging more people to hit the unemployment lines. If you don’t have the desire to work, there are people who do.

If your résumé’s most prestigious entry is a high school membership in the National Honor Society, don’t be surprised if you have trouble finding work once you leave the safety of the university.

Honestly, I care less about your future lives and more that there are people out there who can’t comprehend the banality of so many jobs. Until you’ve worked in food service (extremely vocal close friends working in it might count), you can’t truly appreciate the importance of tipping and why it’s also the worst social system our country has created.

And if you’re one of the few who hasn’t worked yet because Dad’s got an open VP position waiting for you back home, congratulations. You have cleared the system. Like Pinocchio, you will never truly be a real boy.


E-mail: cquandt@indiana.edu