How to fight aliens

Stephen Hawking said in his Discovery Channel special “Into the Universe” that extraterrestrials most likely exist and probably want to kill us.

Cool, even Hawking is getting on the bandwagon of sensational apocalyptic broadcasting that has plagued our television programming. I guess his brand of mystical physics couldn’t sell by itself so he had to sex it up by adding evil aliens.

Hawking theorizes that “advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach.”  His research for this program included playing through the Halo series and watching B-list invasion movies.

But this raises an important question. If aliens did try to invade us, how would America fare?

Honestly I am confident in America’s ability, but it wouldn’t be easy; we would need a plan, a damn good one. Luckily for President Barack Obama, I’ve been committing horrible atrocities against aliens in video games for more than a decade now. Trust me — I think I know a thing or two about intergalactic warfare.

First off, never have a conference with all the world leaders in one building. It will likely be destroyed leading to mass chaos. If they need to discuss strategy, Skype will likely suffice. God help us all if we lose the Internet.

Sacrifice is an essential part to any war. At least one country is going to get completely annihilated. Let’s be proactive and choose one that will have the least impact on the rest of the world. I suggest Moldova; it really hasn’t done anything important since the 1400s. Cultural insensitivity might save most of the world someday.

Next, we’re going to need lasers. My prior experience leads me to think that 5.56mm bullets will do nothing against their hard, insect-like exoskeletons. Unfortunately we are far from reaching that kind of technology. One option would be to steal their weapons. They are far superior to ours; they almost never jam.

We are also going to need amphetamines, a buttload of them. You can’t fight aliens if you got that 2:30 in the afternoon feeling. America will need every disgruntled farmer in the country hard at work in their labs cooking up meth. We should subsidize their work to provide them proper incentives.

Hawking advised that we avoid all contact with aliens. By this he meant don’t have sex with them. No matter how attractive their space women are, do not touch them. Like old WWII propaganda posters say, “The enemy is listening; keep it to yourself. He wants to know what you know.”

Not only will careless bed talk cost human lives, but your chances of getting Space-AIDS increases dramatically after laying with an alien.

Once we win the war we will be left with super advanced alien technology, which we could potentially use to cure cancer, solve our dependence on foreign oil, or do something worthwhile, like invading another planet.

If Mr. Obama needs to discuss tactics, I will be in a dark room by myself reviewing old matches of Supreme Commander 2 for most of the summer. I’ll be waiting for the call.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu