420: Corporate cannabis

The California initiative to legalize marijuana is coordinated by Oaksterdam University, a left-wing group that wants the state to regulate and tax the sale and use of cannabis.

Nothing new here, just liberals wanting to overregulate an already stable market. I don’t get why the far left can’t just let the invisible hand of the free market pack a bowl in peace. I always thought it would be against stoner etiquette to tax marijuana.

Furthermore, with this legislation a permit would be required to grow large quantities of marijuana and hemp. Who would likely be the first to capitalize on this? Tobacco companies, of course, like Marlboro and Newport.

Have you ever smoked a cowboy killer? They’re filthy sticks of what could loosely be called tobacco. There are more preservatives than nicotine in them.

Does the left wing really want to smoke a joint made by Marlboro? Think of how nasty that would taste. Or what about menthol marijuana cigarettes, for when you’ve got a sore throat but still wanna get high.

Though on the other hand, brands like Swisher Sweets would probably stop producing tobacco entirely, cutting the chase and just selling pre-rolled blunts. I suspect many companies that strictly make cigarillos will end up switching industries.

But where would you buy these finely mass-produced goods? At one of many little small head shops that would pop up overnight, of course. In Bloomington we only have a handful of these: Amused Clothing, 420, and Stimline Variety to name a few.

These would become the aristocracy of dealers, while numerous smaller shops would open up next to every Big Red in town. Though these establishments are pretty chill right now, they will know how great it is to have money, and they’ll understand how taxes can screw up their prices.

On the hemp side of things, companies like Hanes would start producing hemp shirts and underwear. They wouldn’t sell because they’re softer than cotton, but because the “idea” behind it, which also means that trendy downtown stores would start selling the crap out of hemp clothing.

Urban Outfitters would dominate Bloomington by creating a whole line of hemp clothing, which look exactly the same as their other Goodwill-inspired hand-me-downs but $10 to $20 more expensive. I could see them selling a D.A.R.E. shirt made of hemp. It would be a hit with ninth graders taking health class.

I can already hear them laughing about smoking their shirts. I hope some dumb kid would try; he’d instantly win a Darwin Award.

It seems like the left wing is trying to do what they try do every night: taxing and regulating the nation.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu