The breast of the bad

Australia, I get it. You are known in history as a penal colony where the Europeans dropped off their refuse like a lazy trash collector. It’s not so bad.

Our own country, like so many others, was built on slavery and the raping of a native people. But your recent actions are too much. Overcompensating by enforcing Victorian-era values is the wrong direction. What’s at stake is the most precious thing of all: women’s breasts.

The story was first released by the Australian Sex Party (an actual political party), which alone is awesome for existing. In an attempt to discourage child pornography, A-cup sized breasts are to be banned from films and magazines.

All I can imagine is a manipulative Australian senator with a penchant for well-endowed women wringing his hands maniacally as all goes according to plan.

I should mention they also planned to ban depictions of female ejaculation. But we all know that’s a myth, just like the female orgasm. Yes, I am doing sex jokes from the 1980s.

It’s hard to champion pornography. It’s not exactly the most kosher topic in our culture. But if girls are insecure enough about their body image, it’s only going to be worse if their government views them as children because of their breast size. Besides, there are many girls who are granted with ample breasts at an early age. It’s why I like sitting at my mall’s food court.

Legislators down under have been covering the country with a modern Iron Curtain, and it has just taken the endangerment of perfectly petite mammary glands for us to notice.

Australian Internet service providers are now forced to ban foreign sites listed as “dodgy” by the government. In the list was the Web site of a dentist in Queensland. Given that the Bush administration used vague adjectives to make a terrorist watch list of 500,000 people, there’s clearly potential for things to get out of hand.

South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson also came under fire for an amendment that would require anyone wishing to post an online comment about the upcoming state election to register their real name and postcode.

As there is no rating for video games meant for people 18 and older in the country, popular titles such as Grand Theft Auto 4, Left 4 Dead 2 and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 are being edited for content.

Granted, some of these instances of censorship are minor (the modified Fallout 3 version simply referred to morphine with a fake name), but to pick and choose which material is inappropriate without giving citizens the appropriate ways to access it removes the free choice that makes a free nation what it is.

I’m not asking Australia to become a wild and crazed society; that was the film “Mad Max.” If it fails to lower its restrictions, I will be investing in plastic surgeons across Australia.