Not-for-my-bucket list

Black Friday has become as much of a holiday for Americans as Thanksgiving.

It’s not surprising, since the themes of Thanksgiving – gratitude and shooting animals – are less in vogue than those embraced by Black Friday – shopping and vegetarianism.

Okay, maybe vegetarians had nothing to do with the rise of Black Friday. But I’d still like to think there was a conspiracy to eclipse the holiday most dedicated to consumption of meat.

Whether you belong to PETA or the NRA, Black Friday still begins the holiday shopping season. And so I’d like to run down my list of things not to buy for Christmas gifts. Or gifts anytime, for that matter.

Actually, never buy them.

I call it the not-for-my-bucket list. As in, I wouldn’t trade my 10-gallon bucket for any of these items.

Just think of the many uses for a good solid bucket: step-stool, dunce cap, washing machine, chamber pot. None of the following products can boast such varied utility.
First up is men’s designer underwear. I thought the idea of designer clothes was to flaunt money and fashion sense. News flash: women do not have X-ray vision.

So what’s the point? Unless you parade around in only your $24 Armani boxer briefs, nobody sees designer underwear. If you’ve made it to the stage of revealing the Hanes tightie-whities, hopefully she won’t care.

Given the choice between a Calvin Klein man-thong and a 10-gallon bucket, I’d take the bucket.

Second is Pasta n’ More, the microwaveable pasta maker.

Apparently, it makes “perfect pasta, without the hassle.” Cut to black and white video of the poor people before the invention of Pasta n’ More. Look how they burned themselves on the stove!

Please. I’m no Emeril, but even I can boil water.

It’s a plastic bowl for $19.99 plus $7.99 shipping and handling. No way am I trading my bucket for that flimsy thing. I could even make pasta in the 10-gallon jack-of-all trades, if I could find a big enough microwave. 

Next is the ShamWow. I’m sure you’ve seen the Billy Mays wannabe peddling this rip-off on TV. “Holds 12 times its weight in water!”

It’s a towel.

And an ugly one at that. That bright yellow definitely does not gel with the decor in my powder room.

I challenge the ShamWow to a duel with a regular old towel and my bucket to wring it out in. And I’ll win any day of the week, twice on Sundays.

Finally, the “Easy Button.” This one is a real coup for marketers at Staples. They turned an ad campaign into a product that does absolutely nothing.

Actually, it does accomplish something: It advertises for Staples. When you push the big red button, it repeats the slogan from the commercial, “That was easy!” 

I know what you’re thinking: “But it would make such a great gag gift for the office white elephant!”

Yes, yes it would. That is, if you are willing to pay a company for the privilege to advertise for them.

As for me, it’s not for my bucket.