Leggings are not pants

It’s the holiday season and winter is fast approaching.

I think now would be the best time to attempt to teach all of IU’s sorority members a brief but extremely crucial fashion lesson: Leggings, like underwear, are not pants and should never, ever be mistaken for a sufficient covering of your nether regions.

They are not, and never will they be, pants. 

This will probably come as a shock to many of the girls (and the occasional confused male) who wear leggings as pants thinking mistakenly that by so doing they’re being fashion forward. But it’s a necessary one, for the sake of the rest of us.

As a homosexual, you see, I am not licensed to, nor do I wish to see, your business. I have a feeling I share that opinion with the majority of people, gay or not. 

Unfortunately, many girls either incorrectly assume that the whole world wants to see their genitalia (that rule, as everyone should know, only holds true inside the confines of a fraternity or sleazy bar), or they are completely unaware that the entire campus is now being exposed to their special areas.

This is quite unfortunate, as at least 50 percent of the people wearing tights as pants are people that should not be doing so even in the laughable make-believe world where wearing tights as pants is fashionable (let me be clear in case you haven’t gotten the point yet: it’s not – at all – fashionable). 

Leggings were not intended to be worn as if they were sufficient coverings for your legs; instead, they were intended to be worn under something else.

They are not stand-alone items, you see.

I suggest that you find some nice jeans or maybe even some (shock!) real pants. I guarantee you that you’ll be warmer this winter, and you’ll take a huge step in improving sorority-human relations on campus. 

But the point goes deeper than that – even if the entire world did, in fact, want to see your business, you shouldn’t just go flailing it about like you do when wearing leggings as pants.

To do so strongly suggests to most onlookers an uncommonly high level of vanity and narcissism – neither of which, in case you didn’t know, are very appealing qualities.  

So please, this holiday season, spare the rest of campus the annual pain of unsolicited visual exposure to every physical contour beneath your waistline; it would be extremely helpful of you to please find something else to wear with your Uggs and North Face.