Man bombs moon

Tuesday morning had me depressed before I could wipe the crusties out of my eyes.
The world outside my room was dripping with dog-slobber rain. The sky, the cars, the people: one collective frown. I was walking through an underexposed photograph of nothing but gloom and yuck.

Classes were duller than the weather. I was dragged through the muddied slush of academia, neither motivated nor interested. My peers seemed to stare disapprovingly at me. My hair hurt. I retreated to my apartment, desperate for a pick-me-up, and to my surprise, I found one.

While browsing the internet for nothing in particular, I encountered this headline: “NASA To Bomb the Moon.”

Holy Michael-Bay-plot  Batman! Did I just read that? At first I thought the story must have been from the Onion, but the link forwarded me to the Huffington Post.

After reading the article and Google searching “bomb the moon” (I never expected to type those words into a search bar), I quickly realized that this farcical event was very real. And no, the bombing is not intended to preemptively vaporize moon terrorists nor is it an attempt to alter the moon’s shape into that of Mr. or Ms. Pac-Man.

Apparently, NASA scientists believe that large quantities of ice may be contained under the moon’s surface. In order to verify this, the LCROSS mission launched a missile aimed at the moon’s south pole in order to unearth any potential water. The impact was scheduled for 7:30 a.m. Friday, and if there is indeed water, it may be able to sustain a manned moon base. 
 
After reading this news, I immediately cheered up. The thought of bombing the %$#@ out of the moon coaxed my sullen mouth into a beaming grin. I don’t really care if we can start harvesting corn in space; I just wanted to see that arid ball of desolation blasted with NASA-grade explosives.

After all, that devious moon had it coming.

I realize my excitement is for all the wrong reasons, but I just can’t help it. I feel like I’m watching a sci-fi film produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and written by the remaining members of Monty Python.

We are actually bombing the moon. How hilariously absurd.

But the moon bombing will have other positive effects besides satisfying my prurient interest in over-the-top explosions and, yes, a possible scientific discovery of mammoth proportions. It will show the rest of the world how big America’s ... rockets are.

That’s right, if our countless unnecessary wars, our hard-ons for assault weapons and the Washington Monument weren’t proof enough, bombing the moon should finally put all questions of our country’s endowment to rest.

“Who needs the Olympics?” our political leaders might say. “We just bombed the moon.”

Unfortunately, I am writing this column Tuesday night, and by the time you are reading this, the moon will have already been bombed (if everything went according to plan).  
Therefore, all I can say is that I hope the mission was a success, and I am looking forward to viewing any telescopic images of moon carnage.