Boy Scouts conference leads to 5,000 percent increase in bullying

At the end of each school session, the IDS publishes the Radish, a satirical page for IU students. All events and sources are false.

IU Police Department released figures this week indicating that, in the wake of the Boy Scouts of America’s National Order of the Arrow Conference at IU, reports of campus bullying have gone up by 5,000 percent.

“It’s an epidemic,” said IUPD Sgt. Joe Santana. “We’ve seen some pretty bad cases last year, like when the music students came to audition, but it’s never been like this.”

Experts theorize that the presence of the Boy Scouts incited Bloomington residents to tease and steal from the youngsters, who were often slow-moving and unable to run from their aggressors because of asthma. On any given day, Scouts could be seen meandering around campus in large groups wearing decorative uniforms and sashes.

IU sociology professor Gordon Biersey said such a phenomenon is to be expected. “What you’ve got here is a classic case of a species telegraphing its weakness to predators,” Biersey said. “It’s especially rampant because the Order of the Arrow is for Boy Scout honor students. I mean, in nature, cheetahs have to look carefully to seek out the weakest, most vulnerable gazelles, and even then it’s not a sure bet. The Boy Scouts, meanwhile, all wear eye-popping knee-high socks.”

Biersey said another risk factor for bullying is the wearing of a large number of merit badges, seen as a “dead giveaway” that the Boy Scout in question is particularly unable to defend himself.

In response, IUPD began handing out literature on ways to protect oneself from bullying, which most often takes place in the form of swirlies, atomic wedgies and the theft of lunch money. Police suggested that Boy Scouts walk in large groups, wear their uniforms only when necessary, and limit public discussions on the tying of knots. “Normally,” Santana said, “we’d suggest that the Boy Scouts only go outside with adult chaperones. But since most of their chaperones are former Boy Scouts, it’s not an effective solution.”

Scoutmaster Ben Harrison, of Den 15, prefers handing out safety whistles.
“It’s like that episode of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ when Captain Adama gave transponders to Raptor pilots for use if they encountered the Cylons. Also, I tell the Scouts to keep their money in their shoes.”

Bloomington bullies, however, are undeterred. Economists speculate that the increase in Bloomington’s revenue, both by voluntary spending on behalf of Boy Scouts as well as by money stolen from them, will have a sizeable effect on the economy. Some are suggesting that Bloomington Mayor Mark Kruzan deliberately lured the Boy Scouts to town because they were easy targets for resident bullies, drawing a parallel to a similar controversy last summer when Bloomington was host to Drum Corps International.

“I mean, I learned in college it’s wrong to pick on those who are different, but something about the Boy Scouts just brings out the worst in me,” said Stephen, an IU senior who refused to give a last name. “I mean, their motto is ‘Be prepared’? That only means they carry tons of great shit. Just yesterday I stole a kerosene lamp from this mouth-breathing Eagle Scout.”

Many Boy Scouts admitted they are used to it.

“I carry an extra retainer in case I break one while running away,” Den 16 member Marcus Findershmidt said. “And I learned to keep my Pokemon cards at home. There’s no use in inviting trouble.”

The Boy Scouts left town Thursday, at which point residents were expected to go back to picking on the IU Department of Chemistry.