A Twinkie a day keeps the doctor away

I’ve never had the best health habits. Not that I would call myself unhealthy, it’s just that I haven’t necessarily taken an active interest in my body.

I haven’t watched what I’ve eaten. So far, I haven’t had to. I know one day that will end.

My metabolism will slow, and I’ll balloon to the size of an average adult American. But I prefer not to think about that now. The only thing in my thoughts: Where can I score another box of Cheez-Its?

I’ve never really gone to the gym either. I’ve wanted to, especially this summer as the temperature has risen and the shirts have come off. I’d love to wow everyone at the pool parties with my killer abs. But that just hasn’t worked out.

I’ve always felt a bit of guilt about my habits, like I’ve needed to start doing something good for my body. Though the signs might not be showing on the outside, I understand that my one-Twinkie-each-night-before-bed habit cannot be doing good things to my arteries.

But I don’t have to fret any longer. Like nearly 60 percent of Americans who do nothing to control their diet, I’m actually helping our nation.  

By not eating right, I’m fighting swine flu. Trust me, it’s true.

As more than 44,000 people across the globe have been infected with the flu, I’ve remained unharmed – though I did have a brief scare last week when my stuffy nose resulting from an increase in grass pollen had me convinced that I’d be the first in Indiana to die from swine flu.  

But research from some Michigan State University scientists suggests my diet might be what’s keeping me safe – or at least that’s how I’m interpreting it.

Last winter, they released findings that suggested flu seasons are terrible times to begin diets. Looking at results in lab rats, they determined that low-calorie diets make individuals more susceptible to illness, as their bodies are unable to produce the number of killer cells needed to fight off infection.  

So I don’t really have bad health habits. I’m just trying to stay safe.
These types of studies give me hope, hope that I can keep rationalizing away that gnawing feeling that tells me it’s time for action. I mean, that’s the American way, right? Shoot for the moon and dream big (in areas that are fun, fulfilling and profitable). But in all other endeavors, particularly ones that are painful or might make you sweat, use logic to find a way out. Make a convincing argument. Lie and manipulate if necessary.

And that’s why we go to college too, right? To learn how to convince ourselves we’ve been right all along.

I know I need to take control of my health, to be responsible for what I eat and to keep my body in motion so that some day soon it doesn’t decide to quit moving. But that’ll have to wait – at least until flu season’s over.