New nation, new Oscars categories

The inauguration of our nation’s first black president. The global economic meltdown. Catastrophic job cuts. The impeachment of Rod Blagojevich.

The past few months have brought our nation and our world overwhelming change. It seems that everyday brand new developments emerge to challenge the way we live our lives and what we hold dear.

The very American dream is currently a dynamic and changing thing. Who knows what the future will bring? Can our emotions, our hearts, our minds take more?
The answer to these questions, of course, is: Who has the time to care?! Oscar season is here y’all!

And in case you were distracted by all the important things going on in our great nation at current and missed the nominations, you might not know that a significant number of new categories were added this year!

And that, my friends, is a serious achievement if there ever was one. I mean it, folks, Feb. 22 this year will be a day that will actually live in infamy.

Below are the highlights of the Oscar’s new categories, as well as my predictions for who will win.

Most Intentionally Oscar Bait
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”

Stoner Favorite
“WALL-E”

The Last Film That Ben Stiller Will Ever Make
“Tropic Thunder”

Funny, I Guess, But Shouldn’t Have Actually Been Nominated For Anything
“Tropic Thunder”

Most Depressing/Hottest On-Screen Kiss
“Revolutionary Road”

Stoner Second Favorite
“Notorious”

Ooh, Artsy!
“Synechdoche, NY”

Best To See With Your Gay Friends (Just Like In “Will and Grace!” OMG So Fun. Gay People Are Soo Kewl)
“Milk”

Not Coming Out Till After Award Season But I Can’t Wait ... Ladies Night!
“He’s Just Not That Into You”

Ooh, Awkward :/
“The Dark Knight”

Best Date Movie For Men Who Are Whipped By Their Girlfriends
“Twilight”



Lifetime Achievement Award: Whatever Happened To Her? She Was So Talented! And, Frankly, Very Sweet In “The Parent Trap.” She Really Went Off The Deep End. I Mean, Wow. What A Wreck. What An Absolute Wreck.
“Hayley Mills”

If you have been paying too much attention to the news that you missed the announcement of these new categories, shame on you.
And you’re welcome. I take PayPal, if you feel that my service (informing the public is a journalist’s job, you guys) deserves some payment.
If you did pay attention when the Oscar nominations came out, well, lets just keep this between us.