President’s Best Friend

As man’s best friend and woman’s trendiest purse accessory, dogs hold a sacred communion with the humans who feed, walk and love them.

Lassie, Snoopy and Marley are beloved national treasures. But more than being objects of affection, dogs are telling reflections. Tall and gallant or small and yappy, a dog’s size, breed and personality reveals much about its owner. So as the new first family takes up residence in the White House, the family member I’m most interested in is the First Dog.

The Obamas’ dog search has been highly publicized – as it should be. While some critics (presumably dog-haters), claim that this story is non-news, that this line of reporting is just one more example of the news media disseminating worthless information with the same fervor and feeling as truly significant stories, they’re wrong. For news isn’t what we need to know. It’s what we want to know. In fact, this might be one of the most “newsworthy” stories out there – after any factoid about Britney, that is.

And unlike the accounts of Princess Spears, the selection of Obama’s pooch seems almost responsible, as its implications could reveal much about the future of this nation.

We are still expectantly waiting for the big announcement. But we do know it’s down to two. The next dog to roam the presidential house and pee on the presidential grass and chew on the presidential furniture and shed on the presidential everything will be either a Portuguese water dog or a Labradoodle (a cross between a Labrador retriever and a poodle). And while I remain uncertain as to how Obama will lead this nation, I can confidently say he must, if he is to be a truly great American president, purchase a Labradoodle.

We cannot allow a breed with foreign roots, raised to aid Portuguese fishermen in the 14th century, into the White House – unless it has documentation to prove it’s a citizen. Though the subversive (and probably anarchist) American Kennel Club advocates the Portuguese water dog, claiming that purebreds are time-tested and reliable, it is clear that this is a thinly veiled attempt to undermine the strength of our country. 

We don’t want fancy dogs that have been bred, trained and groomed to do useful work for humans. We want a dog like us. A fighter. A mutt.
The all-American choice is the Labradoodle.

A mix of two beloved breeds, the Labradoodle got its start when a blind woman from Hawaii wanted a guide dog that would not agitate her husband’s allergies. Hypoallergenic and smart, this breed embodies the great American value: using knowledge to artificially control and conquer our environment. And its unique balance of temperament – the raw, rambunctious energy of the Labrador and the refined, elegant style of the poodle – is entirely reflective of our new, nuanced president. Likewise, the breed’s mixed origins echo Obama’s complicated past.
There is no better choice. Don’t let us down, Mr. President.