Pardon me

As President George W. Bush approaches the end of his presidency (thank God! I’ve waited so long to begin a column with that statement), there is much talk about Bush’s legacy and what he will do with his remaining days in office.

For a president who has in many of his most major policies overstepped his constitutional boundaries, he has thus far been very conservative in one of his most unrestrained presidential prerogatives: pardons.

The Constitution grants a president the power to pardon whomever he chooses, and his forgiveness is absolute; it cannot be overruled, and he need not provide an explanation.

So far, however, Bush has provided just half of the pardons afforded by Clinton or Reagan, both of whom also served two terms. This is not from lack of applicants: More than 2,000 folks are seeking the president’s mercy before Jan. 20.

From what I can tell, I can only assume that he has been stingy thus far because he’s confused (he seems to be confused a lot).

But with only a couple of months left in office, it is time to capitalize on the privilege of the pardon! So, Mr. President, luckily for you, I’m here to help.

First, you should probably pardon all those nice people who could be convicted for carrying out your policies.

You know – those responsible for warrantless wiretapping, questionable firing of attorneys, torture, a few war crimes here and there – that sort of thing. I realize preemptive pardons are a little faux pas in the political world; just ask Gerald Ford – who very possibly lost the 1976 presidential election due to his preemptive pardon of Richard Nixon.

But honestly, your approval rating can’t really get that much lower. And besides, your party has pretty much disowned you. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you probably aren’t going to have a plethora of candidates knocking at your door begging for endorsements. Your post-presidential years will likely consist of a lot of quiet time alone on the ranch. A lot.

That is, unless you get charged, too.

That whole approving-a-torture-program thing could potentially carry some federal charges.

Which brings me to my second pardon recommendation: Why don’t you go ahead and pardon yourself while you have the chance (better safe than sorry). It would be a presidential first! No president has ever preemptively pardoned himself – although Nixon seriously considered it.

But you will not have your VP to fall back on for a pardon like Nixon. Barack Obama will be taking office, and don’t count on a pardon from him.

He clearly hates Republicans, as exhibited by his master plan to take all their money.
Finally, I think that you should pardon Mark Tynes for two reasons.

One, because he is serving a 27-year sentence for drug trafficking, which is just obscene, and two, because his brother, Lawrence Tynes, helped to defeat the Patriots in the Super Bowl last year (he’s the kicker for the New York Giants). Clearly, this case is worthy of some presidential mercy.

Hope this cleared up a few things – now get busy pardoning!