Put on some pants

Women on this campus are so committed to looking identical that they will endure all kinds of winter weather in those thin, black spandex pants.

People like to complain about the hideousness of Ugg boots, but Ugg boots don’t bother me nearly as much as the black tights that get tucked into them. I am of the opinion that if it’s cold enough to be wearing boots, it’s cold enough that you should be wearing pants thicker than a dryer sheet.

So why do women wear them? “Because they’re so comfortable!” This is the untrue, defensive cry of women all over America who starve and suck themselves into whatever ridiculous trend they think will turn them into a walking sex symbol.

It’s like the time my friend bought a pair of Crocs a few summers ago when they became popular (not that this exactly turned her into a walking sex symbol). When we all made fun of her for it, she insisted that she only wore them because they were so convenient to wear in water. This seemed legitimate, because who doesn’t like to wear shoes in the water to keep the bottoms of their feet dry? But her argument became void the following winter when she purchased a new pair of Crocs lined with fake fur.

I’m just saying that if I were dressing purely for comfort in 30-degree weather, there are a few things I’d be more likely to tuck into my boots (or my fur-laced Crocs) than spandex. Overalls would be closer to the top of the list, as would a bathrobe or pajamas with feet.

I have trouble figuring out what would be all that comfortable about having my hips and legs so tightly constrained that breathing becomes a conscious effort. Not to mention that it seems there would be something inherently uncomfortable about having every inch of my butt on display for the public.  

Which makes me think that maybe, on some level, I’m just jealous of the self-esteem it would require to walk out into the world with the thinnest possible layer of clothing clinging to my legs and crotch.

If I wore these tights, I’m pretty sure I would be constantly plagued with the horror that everywhere I went, people would be turning to their friends and whispering things like “she really can’t pull that off,” or “Are those her legs or are they plastic bags filled with chunky oatmeal?”

But mostly I think I’m just wary of trends that highlight every curve and outline of a female’s reproductive parts. Call me old fashioned, but I still say that no guy should get to see that much until at least the second date, or until he has properly romanced his lady with chocolate and roses (whichever happens first).

All I’m saying is that it’s time to reconsider your wardrobe when you are cold and uncomfortable. There will be plenty of time in the spring to remind us of the sexiness that is your body. But for now, please, put on some real pants.