Coaching the night away

In honor of the election, I decided it was time for a change for Straight Bidness.

It was time for a democracy.

So, I devised a plan. I polled all my loyal readers who have sent me feedback (be it good or bad) in the past to see which of my two column ideas they would rather read.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably sneering, “Congrats Mike. You talked to all five of your readers.”

I don’t blame you for thinking that either. But you will be shocked to know that I spoke with 26 people, 23 of whom read my column on a consistent basis.

As for the other three, who told me they don’t read my column, I just assume they are illiterate. Either that or they only pick up the Indiana Daily Student for the crossword (like a lot of people).

So, now that the votes are in and all the hanging chads are accounted for, here is the winning column:

Recently I jumped into a territory unfamiliar to me – coaching.

I am currently a volunteer coach for the Bloomington Youth Hockey’s Mite League with my friend. The kids are ages 6 to 8, and the program is run through the city.

Every Wednesday and Friday night, Bloomington parents trust me with their little ones’ lives on the ice.

I’ve been dreaming of coaching a long time, but have no real experience in how to coach effectively. I decided to look for role models. So I went straight to the pros where the best of the best are coaching.

Or so I thought.

After much research, I found a lot of what I shouldn’t be doing as a coach from mistakes made by past idiots. Some are older mistakes and some are more recent.

But because of these mistakes, here is what I pledge not to do when I coach:

Because of Denny Green, I pledge not to underestimate my opponents. They are who we thought they were. Always. I also pledge not to let them off the hook.

Because of the all-wise Robert Montgomery Knight, I pledge not to throw a chair at any ref. However, I cannot promise that I will not throw a water bottle like Terry O’Reilly.

Because of Mike Singletary, I pledge not to pull down my pants during an intermission just to prove a point. Not only is that ridiculous, but I don’t want to get arrested. So, rest assured that won’t happen.

Because of Phillip Wellman, I pledge not to army crawl on the ice. Ever. And I also pledge not to throw a rosin bag at any official pretending it’s a grenade.

Because of Jim Mora, I pledge not to talk about the playoffs. I am not kidding you. And I also pledge not to talk about a game. I may talk about practice though. Not a game, but practice.

But here is what I do pledge, and I didn’t need any professional coaches to teach me. I pledge to have fun.

Because when you’re 6 years old and trying to learn to play hockey, having fun is all that really matters. Well, that and concentration, not strength.