They killed Kenny!

The Russian government is undertaking a courageous crusade to protect the innocent eyes and ears of its citizenry from the abasement of “national dignity” and incitement of “religious and national hatred.” These horrific notions, along with the villainy of “offending the honor and dignity of Muslims and Christians alike,” are the result of cartoon characters singing Christmas songs.

Don’t be fooled because it sounds innocent. The animations in “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics,” the “South Park” episode that caught the attention of Russian prosecutors, included the likes of Santa Claus, Jesus Christ, Adolf Hitler, Satan, and an anthropomorphized human feces known as Mr. Hankey – the Christmas poo – in addition to the previously realized public enemies Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, and Eric Cartman. Together, this team of illustrated characters assaulted the purity of Russian children’s minds while simultaneously “provoking ethnic conflict and sparking inter-religious hatred.” They, along with emo music and maverick journalists, must be stopped for the sake of Russian society!

Television programs such as “South Park” that bare “signs of extremist activity” must swiftly be terminated and banned from the airways. This is precisely what Moscow prosecutors are attempting to accomplish with legal proceedings that began last Monday, citing the show’s violation of a 2006 law which widened the definition of extremism to include the exact atrocities of which “South Park” is guilty: degradation of Russian dignity and the provocation of religious and national hatred.

It is about time; extremist media outlets such as this have been long overlooked and underestimated. The depiction of a fourth-grader singing a slightly altered version of “O Holy Night” is obviously just as detrimental to Russia’s social fabric as unorthodox reporters and the “emo” genre of music, including the detestable affixations, such as pierced lips and eye shadow that come with it.

Action had already been taken against these social hazards: No less than 261 journalists have been murdered in Russia since the fall of the Soviet Union, most recently Anna Politkovskaya, who “besmirched her country’s reputation” by accusing Russian President Vladimir Putin of “state terrorism” and describing him as a “KGB snoop” (despite the fact that he indeed had a background as an agent for the Soviet intelligence service, this tarnished the Russian image). This summer a bill was introduced that pushes for heavy regulation of emo Web sites and the banning of emo and goth fashion from schools and government buildings. 

The equation within the legal system of shows such as “South Park” that “promote immorality and violence” to the inimical effects of emo culture’s “negative ideology” – which might encourage depression, social withdrawal and even suicide, according to the proposed anti-emo bill – and the negative ramifications generated from criticisms of the government by Russian journalists is long overdue. “The point is so that by 2020, Moscow will have someone to rule its government,” explained Alexander Grishunin, an adviser to a Duma member.

Thankfully, the Russian government has stepped in once more to protect their delicate leaders of tomorrow from not only a blemished national image and black nail polish, but also Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.