Train your man!

Monday evening I stood under a dark awning with my arms crossed, warming myself from the cold rain. I had been at the movies with my father and, along with all the other men, my dad had gone to get the car in the pouring rain. As I stood there waiting with a group of about half a dozen women, I saw one girl departing into the soaking wet parking lot with the hood of her sweatshirt pulled up over her head, walking alongside her boyfriend. \nUnfortunately, only one word can describe this picture: pitiful. The girl may have thought she was being an independent modern woman of some sort, partners with her boyfriend rather than a purring feline standing under the awning. And in thinking so she may have been partially correct. But I say: Who cares? Ladies, you do not want to be this woman. Why? Because you will be all wet and probably listening to some sort of terrible sports program in the car. In short, you will be unappreciated. \nSad? Yes, kind of. But there’s hope. If you have ever seen any sitcom about married or dating people (read: all sitcoms), you know that women need to “train” their men. Chivalry doesn’t have to be dead. Below are some great practice exercises that will help you make your man appreciate you! \nFirst, if your man is not the type to hold open doors, dart in front of him when he pulls it open. Say “thanks” really happily and flash him a nice smile. Pretending that you assume he is holding the door for you defuses the possibility that he will get angry about you questioning the way he treats you or the fact that you just “cut him” and now get to order your Arby’s first. \nNext, if he doesn’t tell you on a regular basis that you look nice, go on strike. Start wearing his clothes, stop blow-drying your hair and consider getting a large fake tattoo of a grizzly bear or an automobile. Make up some sort of cause that you are supposedly doing this for, or border on the truth and say it’s for women’s rights. By the time you decide to go back to your regular self, he will be telling you all the time (or, at least the first time he sees you again) that you look nice.\nFinally, if he does not pay for meals when you go out to eat, pretend to get a very upsetting phone call every time the check comes. In your spare time, practice yelling things like “What? We’re bankrupt?!” “What? We have no money?!” and “What? We’re broke?!” so that when you’re actually out to dinner your performance will always be 100-percent believable. \nNow ladies, hopefully my words have inspired you to get out there and whip your men into shape! Believe me, these are not tricks of any sort. These are legitimate ways to openly and honestly communicate your needs regarding the relationship. Or something like that.