Porch pissing

Little 500 weekend is described as the greatest weekend in college athletics, or some derivation of the sentiment. For the thousands of you reading this who aren’t in Bloomington (ok, not thousands – really it’s just my mom), Little 500 is some sort of athletic event that involves spectators and participants. Beyond that, the details are fuzzy. \nAt least that’s what we can surmise from the many anecdotes involving intoxicated students that come about from the parties that precipitate from Little 500 weekend. This past weekend, and actually the entire week leading up to the event, was more about social gatherings than celebrating the art of riding bicycles in a circle. \nFor example, one of the party houses across the street from me on I’m-Not-Telling-You-Where-I-Live Avenue essentially held a nonstop kegger for seven days. One of the party’s attendees was nice enough to remind me that my porch and mailbox double as toilets. Take, for example, the following interaction:\nToilet Guy (with pants around ankles): ‘Sup, dude?\nMe: Would you perhaps mind doing that in the bushes?\nToilet Guy: What bushes?\nMe: Shouldn’t you be at the stadium? The race is starting soon.\nToilet Guy (hiccupping): Who goes to the race? I just want to drink.\nMe: Hey, if you shake it more than once, you’re playing with it.\nMy new friend’s attitude seems about par for the course. Sure, the actual Little 500 race is attractive and exciting, and the riders put in countless hours training in tight, sexy bicycle shorts. But the attraction of Little 500 week is not a bike race. \nMost people don’t attend the race, although it’s a safe bet that a good portion of the student body partakes in pre- and post-race festivities, which apparently include public urination. And much like ignoring the race, these festival-goers also ignore the news during their seven-day binges. Here’s a sampling of the news the partiers may have missed last week:\n• Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on charges that he pushed his wife in an altercation over the purchase of a new bedroom set. While this may be a legitimate reason for couples to argue, in reality, the reason Vanilla was angry at his “Ice Ice Baby” was her mockery of him. Indeed, Vanilla’s wife recently discovered his real name: Robert Van Winkle. \n• President Bush’s approval rating hit a term low at 28 percent. This marks an incredibly drastic swing from his former approval rating of 90 percent, which occurred in the weeks after Sept. 11. To be fair, however, any president would have received high approval ratings after Sept. 11, even someone named Robert Van Winkle. \nThose were just a couple of the stories missed by the celebrants of Little 500 week. Of course, there’s also the fact that “the greatest weekend in college athletics” has little to do with an actual sporting event and more to do with pissing on someone’s porch. That’s a story in itself.\nI can’t wait until next year.