Winter woes

Um, it’s still cold out. Yes, some days are better than others, but I ain’t buyin’ it. It is still very much winter here, and anyone who believes otherwise is a big phony, as Holden Caulfield would say. And you can’t disagree with Holden Caulfield because he speaks for all of us – just consult the essay you wrote on “Catcher in the Rye” your junior year of high school. Therefore, global warming is obviously a hoax.\nJust kidding! You can put the pen down – a letter to the editor isn’t necessary. And I’ll tell you something else that isn’t necessary: a column full of tips for dealing with the chilly and gray muck that tears through our “spring” days here in Bloomington. Personally, I have given up. So I’m not doing that either. \nWhat is necessary, though, is a recount of painfully sad attempts I have witnessed lately of members of our community trying to preemptively enjoy spring. For those of you who are still a little bitter about the game of yo-yo Mother Nature has been playing with us, sit back, read and let’s enjoy a spiteful laugh about all those naive optimists out there.\nMy first sighting occurred last week in my boss’s office at work. I noticed that the background of her computer monitor was a sunny beach scene. It is important to note that this computer resides in a windowless office covered in papers that have those weird perforated edges from the ‘90s and stacks of spiral booklets about things like “managing personnel.” Her office is no picnic at the beach, sorry to say. Actually, I’m not sorry to say. The woman needs to get over herself and accept that there is no warmth here. There is also no happiness. What there is, though, is freezing rain. This brings me to my next sighting. \nDuring the spontaneous freezing rainstorm Tuesday afternoon, I passed a frat guy wearing flip-flops and a puca shell necklace outside Woodburn Hall. He was either not over his spring break in Bermuda, or he was trying to force spring in Bloomington via Reefs flips and a determined attitude. Either way, men in flip-flops and puca shell necklaces are always worth a good laugh if you ask me, but add freezing rain, and that’s all the sunshine I need in my day. \nMy third and final sighting has been constantly occurring all over campus and, in particular, outside my window, for the last couple weeks. It’s birds were chirping away through all the gray mornings. Aww, cute, I know. Wait a minute, though: Is this a sign of hope or just a collection of birds that are going to die when and if it snows again? I am going to guess that you probably don’t want me to answer that. \nPerhaps I am being too morose.\nListen, I’ll do you a favor and end the column here. I need to go bake some brownies, anyway. Something’s gotta cheer me up, and I see no reason in the near future to stop collecting winter weight.