Julia is...

Sometimes I wish that peoples’ Facebook statuses hovered in a bubble over their heads in real life. Sometimes I’m not sure I’ve truly experienced a particular event or feeling until I’ve incorporated it into my Facebook status. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about hypothetical situations and deciding what my Facebook status would be in that event, such as being diagnosed with an incurable disease, the death of my firstborn or the coming of the apocalypse.\nStatus updates are wide and varied and can cover an incredible range of material.\nMy favorite type of a status update is when someone is “in love with life,” or the more modest “so happy!!!!” I know these are sincere because, when I am on a high, my first instinct is also to locate a computer and send my positive vibes into cyberspace.\nThose who take themselves seriously enough are even able to use their statuses as a cry for help. These individuals seem to frequently find themselves “sad and lost,” “ready to give up” or the profoundly ominous “confused about life ...”\nI gather a lot of valuable information while browsing status updates. 16 of my friends were sad about Heath Ledger’s passing. 22 friends are happy the Patriots lost. Five friends are looking forward to the weekend. This is really helpful. I actually print these out and make tallies on charts I keep around my apartment where I keep track of who is and is not looking forward to days off school, and who is and is not personally affected by each celebrity death.\nI, for one, am disappointed that Facebook no longer forces us to incorporate the “is” of the present progressive tense into our status updates. I think the “is” emphasized the importance of embracing the present while discouraging an unhealthy fixation on the past or unproductive idealizations of the future. Also, it encouraged creativity. I noticed many a friend artfully mold the profound issues of their soul into sentences that were painstakingly awkward yet technically grammatically correct. For example, “Sarah is not wanting to keep studying!!” Now that the “is” has been removed, we can freely and directly express ownership, ability, anticipation and desire in any tense. Personally, I am uncomfortable with Facebook allowing me this degree of freedom and this range of emotions, so I will continue to use the “is.”\nI don’t plan to keep in touch with anyone after graduation, but I will provide status updates until the day I die. As a preview, the updates throughout my life will probably look something like this:\nAge 30: Julia is dilated 10 centimeters and going into labor!\nAge 40: Julia is so mad that she just caught her husband in bed with another woman!\nAge 50: Julia is not liking menopause, LOL!\nAge 60: Julia is so glad floating Facebook status bubbles were finally invented!\nAge 70: Julia is a grandma! (smiley face)\nAge 80: Julia is hooked up to respirators and barely hanging onto life ...