Diversity is delicious

Two weeks ago, IU Provost Karen Hanson announced her plans to increase diversity on campus. Before the soon-to-be-formed Campus Diversity Committee has its first meeting, it is important to clarify one thing: Diversity does not mean colorful. Think about a bag of M&M’s. M&M’s have six different colors in a standard bag. From the outside looking in, one might say that it is a pretty diverse candy. Then as soon as you start to eat the M&M’s you realize they all taste the same. If we really want diversity on this campus, we need to find M&M’s that are not just different colors but different types as well, namely peanut butter, peanut, dark chocolate and crispy. We can leave out almond; no one cares about that flavor. \nHow can we avoid the M&M effect and achieve true diversity here at IU? Easy. The following five-step recipe will explain:\nStep 1: Get nuts – We need to lower out-of-state tuition. We can’t settle for rich kids from Long Island to account for the majority of our out-of-staters. We need rude people that are full of themselves from other states as well.\nStep 2: Mix ingredients – Diversity means nothing if there isn’t any interaction. We need to force business students to take classes in the College of Arts and Sciences so they can regain their soul. Close the library on weekend nights so all those international students have to hang out with us. Force the theater kids to attend one basketball game a year.\nStep 3: Develop a hard outer shell to preserve inner nut – What good is a peanut M&M if the peanut is removed? The fact is many fraternities, through their under-the-table hazing processes, force people to conform to an acceptable mold in order to join. If we want diversity, we’re going to have to do away with this. I know sometimes it’s hard to find a social niche when you go to a new place, but it is beneficial to go through the trials and tribulations of loneliness and rejection to discover who you really are. Of course, you could just get puked on by frat guys for three months, and then you don’t have to worry about that. \nStep 4: End the war in Iraq – Don’t you think we could get more international students if America improved its reputation by ending the war? I think the Campus Diversity Committee should work on that.\nStep 5: Sell candy – Of course, we must come back to the reason candy companies make candy in the first place. It’s the same reason universities try to manufacture diversity: to make money. The truth is you sell more candy if you have a lot of different flavors that appeal to a lot of different people. When we get those flavors we need to market, market, market! So say “Cheese!” Lei, Arjun and Mike. You’re going to be on the cover of the next campus recruitment pamphlet. Quick, pretend like you’re friends.\nIf we follow these steps we can make sure diversity will melt in our mouths and never be out of our hands. Hmm... Maybe I took that analogy a little too far.