Bad ads

If there’s one thing that makes Bloomington great, it’s the abundance of local businesses. What is even greater about Bloomington is that many of these local businesses participate in the shameful hilarity that is the local television commercial.\nOut of so many awful, laughable, but sometimes endearing commercials, it is important that we find and assess the best of the best and the worst of the worst in the Bloomington broadcast region. With this ranking, local businesses everywhere can strive to top the list or at least realize if they’re making a mockery of their company by overstepping their bounds. \nI have thus taken it upon myself to evaluate every local advertisement I have seen. Each ad was evaluated based on its effectiveness, creativity, modesty, quality and intangible x-factor. Each criterion was measured on a scale of 1-5; one being the worst, five being the best. Based on those rankings, here are the five worst local commercials. \nHere are the five worst local commercials:\n5. Insight Digital Cable: E-2, C-2, M-1, Q-4, X-1\nTotal Score: 10\nThis is a prime example of why writers must exist. The jokes are not funny, and the jingle at the end always seems forced. Overall, I just feel awkward and embarrassed while watching these commercials. Not to mention, I don’t need any commercials for cable on my TV. I already own you. Now leave me alone!\n4. Town & Country Chrysler Dodge Jeep: E-1, C-1, M-2, Q-3, X-2\nTotal Score: 9\n3-D animated spokespeople is strike one. Having a horse and a cowboy be the spokespeople is strike two. But what I really don’t appreciate is the subliminal satanic worship messages. Strike three. Every time that horse looks into the camera and says, “Town and Country Chrysler Dodge Jeep” in his unnaturally sped-up voice, I feel my soul trying to escape my body.\n3. IU Auditorium: E-2, C-1, M-1, Q-1, X-1\nTotal Score: 6\nAre there any commercials with worse editing than those of the IU Auditorium? I know it’s difficult to take recycled press-pack clips and turn them into a worthwhile commercial but, c’mon. How many sound gaps can you have in one commercial? The answer is seven – they did it. \n2. Aver’s Pizza: E-2, C-1, M-1, Q-1. X-1\nTotal Score: 6\nIs having a silent commercial absolutely horrible, or is it genius? The answer is absolutely horrible. I understand the attention-grabber that is the silent commercial. However, I don’t like being lulled into a false sense of calm only for it to be interrupted by an obnoxious wrestle-mania voice from the ’90s.\n1. Don’s Guns: E-1, C-1, M-1, Q-0, X-1\nTotal Score: 4\nIs there anything creepier than a weathered old man holding a gun and saying, “I don’t want to make any money, folks; I just love to rent guns!” How about having that same old man release a satanic cackle from within right after that? I don’t know what’s worse: this commercial or the fact that you can rent a gun from his store for $10.\nThis was the bottom half of the list, and boy, were they at the very bottom. In my next column, I will reveal the five best local commercials.