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Sunday, April 21
The Indiana Daily Student

Resolve yourselves!


As the new year rings in, I once again offer Hollywood and our favorite celebs advice and resolutions for '08 (because, as always, I know so much more than they do).\nNickelback fans: Let yourselves be known! -- Seriously, who are you people? Do you exist? This band sells millions of albums, yet I've never met anyone who claims to like them. Please speak up! I have lots of questions I'd like to ask you. (Be warned, however, that the conversation will end with me punching you in the face for causing me to have to listen to "Rock Star" seven times a day at work.)\nJ.K. Rowling: Secretly stay in the Potter World -- Congratulations, J.K., '07 was a hell of year for you. "The Deathly Hallows" wonderfully completed your masterpiece saga. Take a nice, hard-earned vacation, then secretly get back to work. You've said no Harry Potter sequels, and I think everyone can agree that's for the best. However, you need to stock a few sequels and spinoffs ("The Adventures of Tiny Ted Lupin," "Hogwarts: A History of Magic," "Harry Potter and the Sudden Presence of Boredom and Loss Of Meaning in His Life as He No Longer Has Any Evil Wizard Ass to Kick"). Years after you're dead, Scholastic, or whoever's in charge of publishing your novels, will find some loophole to the books' rights and will surely reboot the Potter moneymaking machine by offering books worse than enduring the first half of a Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes Puking Pastille. If we're forced to deal with these, at least they'll have been written by you (ensuring awesomeness).\nBritney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amy Winehouse -- I hate to be one of the countless columnists across the country telling you to get your lives back on track, but …\nThe Judd Apatow Gang -- My grandmother would love to clean your mouths out with soap. I, on the other hand love your crude, filthy "Superbad" sense of humor. Don't change it at all. But how about putting one of those swear jars where every time someone drops an f-bomb they drop in a quarter on set? At the end of production, all the money collected could be donated to charity (and with your guys' track records, that'd be enough to feed a whole country.)\nPromises Residential Treatment Center -- You guys seem to be the celebrity rehab of choice, and with the incredibly high number of celeb DUIs this year, why not set up an in-house driver's ed program (or remind these people they're rich enough to hire chauffeurs)? The streets of L.A. will become much safer.\nBrad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon -- Please quit making the rest of the entire male population look completely inept. "Ocean's 13" was yet again an entertaining blast, but then you also go and make classy, smart, thinking-people pictures such as "The Assassination of Jesse James," "Michael Clayton" and "The Bourne Ultimatum." Cut it out.\nOprah -- If you're going to be charitable and help the less fortunate, at least be a little secretive and don't invite all the camera crews at every donation opportunity.\nVanessa Hudgens -- Grow a backbone and don't give into your Disney bosses so easily. One naked picture isn't the end of the world, but there you were apologizing like a terrified 5-year-old. Innocence may be the key to "High School Musical," but when it comes time for "College Musical," things may get a bit more risque.\n"Weeds" protagonist Nancy Botwin -- Relocate to the Midwest. Good luck restarting your life, but if things get touchy and you have to resort back to the business, head down to Bloomington. You should find plenty of customers here, and I think we could be pretty good friends.\nWhitney Houston and Jennifer Hudson -- Quit slacking, ladies, and get to work. Whitney's comeback album and Jen's debut should be sweeping the Grammys come February. Too bad you still haven't released them. Come on!\nSpice Girls -- Listen to your song "Never Give Up on the Good Times." You all seem to be having a blast on this reunion tour. Make it permanent, and hit the studio to start recording new material. \nWriters Guild of America and The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers -- Set aside your differences. Join hand in hand to sing "I'd like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony," like in that old Coke commercial. Meet each others' demands and please get back to making great TV. \nKelly Clarkson -- Embrace the mainstream. You proved to Clive Davis you're a badass by releasing "My December" and it was way artsy (you scare the crap out of me when you're dressed up like an Asian Fergie invisibly kicking that guy's ass in the "Never Again" video). But you know what else was awesome? "Since U Been Gone," "Walk Away" and "Because of You." So go record the sugary rock-pop anthem music RCA wants you to, even if it's "Breakaway 2.0." Because that stuff rocks.\nKanye West -- Look up the word "humble" in the dictionary and make a lunch date with Susan Lucci. I feel your pain, Kanye. You deserve all those awards you get snubbed for, but I haven't won anything since a soccer game in second grade, and poor Susan Lucci had to wait 19 years for her Emmy. Quit the unattractive diva antics.

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