Stepfather shopping guide

Holiday shopping for just about everyone on Santa’s (read: your) list can be pretty difficult. I, as a faithful public servant, appreciate the fact that “Black Friday” and the subsequent days are very turbulent times for America’s young adult population. We have all been there. We finally complete buying presents for our mothers, siblings, close friends and advisers we need to suck up to. We happily check them all off our lists and prepare to sit back with a nice cup of spiked hot chocolate and relax until Christmas morning.\nAnd then disaster strikes. All too often, it comes in the form of a scrawled name at the bottom of our shopping list. Rick, David, Bruce – the names and personalities of those involved are irrelevant – they are all pronounced the same way: stepfather. \nThe ubiquitous stepfather is a difficult character to shop for. Each year the possibility of giving another mug bearing the phrase “I’ve Had Enough!” or any of a number of related saucy phrases rests at the back of our minds. But really, can’t we do better? Won’t he catch on to our ambivalence of his likes and dislikes if the same gift is repeated each year? And if yes, do we really want that? He does carry a pocketknife, after all. \nSo, in order to lighten the load on everyone’s shoulders this holiday season, I have taken it upon myself to prepare the Ultimate Stepfather Shopping List – otherwise knows as the U.S.S. List (because all stepfathers love the Navy). What follows are my top five recommended stepfather gifts for “Holiday 2007”:\n1. Snack mix: For whatever reason, stepfathers all love snack mixes. They can’t get enough. Interesting note: Stepfathers tend to like the little pretzel bits best, the parts that usually get cast aside because they are no one else’s favorite. \n2. A quote book (inspirational or fishing-related only): Stepfathers, just like everyone else, sometimes need a little lift for their spirits. Just a pick-me-up. That’s all. \n3. A cooler or otherwise portable food-carrying device: Stepfathers love things that are useful, and they especially like it when there is a special little place for everyone, I mean, everything. Try to get one with cup holders built in. \n4. IU memorabilia: Stepfathers are unable to take ownership of their stepchildren in college like real fathers do. They can’t talk about what their “son” or “daughter” is doing in school legitimately, but they love to wear university sweatshirts and use university key chains so that people assume they have a real kid in school. \n5. A gadget: Just something shiny and sciency-looking. \nPlease, feel free to use this list for the next five years and enjoy the stress-free bliss that will doubtlessly accompany it. And after that, well, yours truly probably won’t be around writing columns anymore. Just hope that some sort of Lifetime movie-esque drama unfolds where you yell something hurtful and terribly cliche, like, “You aren’t my father and you never will be!” Maybe he’ll stop giving you gifts first and you’ll be off the hook.