Preseason penitence

Walking near Assembly Hall yesterday afternoon, I did a double-take in the parking lot. Was that? Could it be? It was.\nHorten K. Grib, my mercurial freshman roommate, stood beneath the awning of the south entrance. He had shaved his balding head clean and appeared to be talking to himself, his hands raised slightly above his head. I always got a bad taste in my mouth standing within five feet of the guy, but I decided this looked too good to pass up. I had to investigate.\nI approached Grib cautiously from his right side so as not to startle him. As long as I stayed on the side of his lazy eye, I was safe. It quickly became apparent that it didn’t matter which side I approached. Grib, eyes closed, was oblivious to his surroundings, engrossed in some kind of religious chant. \nHe wore a robe not unlike the traditional garb of the Buddhist monks that visited campus last month. But instead of a solid-colored garment, Grib’s was red-and-white-striped. He looked like a human candy cane.\nAs I inched closer, Grib’s mumblings became audible. His voice jumped randomly from low rumbles to high trembles.\n“Oh mighty and all-powerful basketball gods, forgive me for my insolence. It was I that failed to honor thee before last Sunday’s game, and for my transgression you took the tooth of the Chosen One.\n“I come before you a humbled fanatic. I beseech you to restore the dental health of “Baller” Gordon and spare my beloved Indiana Hoosiers from the humiliation that accompanies your wrath this exhibition basketball season.”\nI thought Grib was Catholic, but apparently he experienced a spiritual revelation of sorts. I ignored the nausea in my stomach and crept a bit closer.\n“Bless this sacred hall of hoops, oh mighty, mighty Champions of the Chest Pass. Save us from the Davids – the Grand Valley States, the Findlays, the Gardner-Webbs – of college basketball.\n“On behalf of Hoosier nation, I ask you to cleanse us of the tactical arrogance that has befallen Tom Izzo’s Spartans in recent days, the lineup juggling that brought about their downfall; absolve us from the gaping Oden-less hole at center that contributed to the demise of ungrateful Ohio State; excuse us from the bone-headedness that envelops our southern neighbors – the Kentucky Wildcats.\n“You work in mysterious ways, oh Titans of the Technical Foul. Their Tubby is now our brother in the Big Ten. Restore him to his former glory, and may that glory be slightly less glorious than the glory of the Hoosiers.”\nI could tell Grib’s prayer was winding down at this point. His arms weren’t quite as high as before, and his prayer began to catch somewhere inside his throat.\n“I implore you, Deities of the Dribble, lift us to victory over the Braves this Saturday. In the name of the Naismith, the Jordan and the Holy Bird. Amen.”