Enclosed: Follow-up letter to Purdue RE: Crimson and Gold Cup standings

Dear Purdue, \nFirst and foremost, you lost to us before Thanksgiving break ... twice! Thanks for the effort, but it just wasn’t good enough this time around as our women’s soccer team out-kicked you and so did Austin Starr. Maybe you’ll do better next year – but we doubt it.\nHowever, the point of this letter is not to gloat (OK, maybe a little). It is a follow-up to the previous note sent on May 21 titled “Enclosed: Letter to Purdue.” In that letter we made it quite clear that we would not allow you to win the Crimson and Gold Cup this season, as we are better than you intrinsically. We are still working toward that end, and this weekend we took major strides in fulfilling our promise (though our women’s soccer victory in the NCAA tournament did not count toward the cup, we ended your title hopes).\nAfter the fall sports season, we Hoosiers and you Boilermakers are deadlocked in the standings at 2.5 points a piece. This is unacceptable. We are currently investigating which officials were bribed and rules were broken for you to obtain the obviously tainted victories that you have “achieved,” which may or may not have included the exchange of 15 head of cattle for each penalty called against IU. As of yet, this investigation (however absurd) is inconclusive. We will let you know of our findings, and in our infinite generosity, let you have a chance to admit your crimes before taking further action, including the possible effects of Purdue Pete’s rumored steroid use.\nAs it stands, we are headed into a winter sports season that is clearly made up of games in which we have the advantage. Of six competitions between today and Feb. 19, three IU-Purdue outings are to be played in Bloomington (the best college town in our state). We present you this offer: If you should decide that driving more than 100 miles to get embarrassed is clearly not worth the gas money, we will encourage the media and fans not to ridicule you for your decision. Instead we will agree with your position that it simply was a good fiscal move that saved time and money for later athletic competitions. There’s no shame in good business sense. The Krannert School of Management, which houses your Master of Business Administration program, would be proud. It is probably best you stick to the classroom anyway.\nThis letter should act as a reminder that we are doing all in our power to thwart any small aspirations that you have in beating us in this year’s competition. We will win. You will lose. That is the end of the story.\nHowever, if you insist on continued and fruitless attempts to defeat us during the winter sports season, then we are compelled to inform you that we will not pull a single punch. We will come after you mercilessly with the intent that you end up curled in the fetal position, Purdue Pete’s sledge hammer wedged in an orifice that you will find unpleasant. That is simply the way IU athletics operate, as you well know after years of competition.\nBut not all of us like that image (most of us do, but not all of us). So, we implore you to consider and ultimately accept the aforementioned offer that is intended merely to help you save face. It is with best intentions that we will beat you in this year’s competition.\nBest of luck!